DEMON GIRL AND THE BITCH PUPPIES
by Jason Ferté
Copyright © Jason Ferté
(Thunder RUMBLES in the blackness; lights up dimly on the loading dock of an abandoned toy warehouse: a door leading to a small glassed-in office to one side, tall racks of falling-apart boxes of all kinds of toys - stuffed animals, race car tracks, action figures, baby dolls - leaking their contents onto the lower shelves and floor fill up most of the rest of the stage, a dusty skylight above. Center is a fairly cleared space with a makeshift fire pit that's seen a lot of use, encircled by worn out pillows and mats. The very front of the stage is the loading ramp, the rollup door itself is not seen but in practice becomes the “fourth wall.” FIVE SHADOWY FIGURES make their way through the audience to the front of the stage.)
PENNY
Here it is. Hey, don't cut yourself on that-!
RAFE
No cutting.
HAINING
Not till the show, that is.
APRIL
Gross! That shit is so 1977.
(A slit of light opens across the front of the stage as if the rollup door is going up, all FIVE crawl onto the stage and the rollup door “closes” and the slit of light goes out. In the spidery light from the skylight, we can see the FIVE are:
PENNY, late teens, drums, like a Velma on crack and in love, for some dizzy reason, with:
RAFE, mid 20s, bass, doesn't say much cuz he just doesn't have much to say, makes a habit of deferring to:
HAINING, early 20s, lead guitar, writes all their songs cuz he has a lot to say, mostly about:
APRIL, late teens, lead vocal, hot and knows it, can't decide between HAINING and:
DAN, late 30s, rhythm guitar, not really into anything. Together, they make up the full playing roster of the post-punk band, “Baby Biters.”
Also it is solidly 1984.)
DAN
Home again, home again.
HAINING
Pee-uw! Somebody forgot to change the cat box.
APRIL
More like the cat fucking died.
PENNY
You wanted a kitten.
APRIL
Yeah, but not a cat!
PENNY
Whatever.
APRIL
Why do you always say that? It doesn't mean anything, you know.
PENNY
Whatever.
APRIL
Aargh! That's so frustrating.
HAINING
(giggles)
That's what it means.
APRIL
What?
HAINING
Nothing.
APRIL
I hate you!
PENNY and RAFE
In bed.
(PENNY and RAFE laugh, DAN can't help it and also laughs, HAINING loses it and joins in too.)
APRIL
I'll be so glad when I'm a big star like Cyndi Lauper, and all of you will be in my rearview.
HAINING
Hey, when you call —
PENNY
I will catch you —
RAFE
I'll be waiting.
APRIL
Fuck. You. C'mon, let's practice so we can blow this hellhole at a reasonable hour. Where's the gear?
HAINING
Right after we do the, I looked it up, right after we do the ritual.
PENNY
The what?
HAINING
The satanic ritual, remember? I got the words right here —
(digs a scrap of paper from his pocket)
I copied them down last night, Rickie has a Beta setup so I could finally play the damn thing. I dunno why such cool movies ever went that way.
PENNY
Free market system.
DAN
Then Reaganomics, and bye-bye Sony Beta.
APRIL
What are you talking about?
PENNY
That's right, you skipped Economics class. Every day, for a year.
HAINING
(to APRIL)
You did? Bitchin'.
DAN
You really wanna do this?
HAINING
Sure, why not? We gotta get something going right for us, I say we ask the Big Badass in Hell for a little mojo. Can't hurt.
PENNY
Says you. I've seen “Werewolves On Wheels” and that did not go okay, especially for the women in it.
HAINING
(laughs)
Werewolves on what?
PENNY
Wheels. As in motorcycles. Early seventies U.S. indie.
HAINING
Well there you go, what the hell do biker werewolves know about raising the devil anyway? ‘Course they're gonna fuck it up. Now the Brits, they know how to say some majestic satanic shit.
APRIL
It's the accent, you dummy. And Johnny Rotten is still a twat.
PENNY
Don't start.
(to HAINING)
Okay, let's hear it then.
HAINING
Coolamundo. Okay, but we gotta, first we gotta get set up for it —
(produces black candles from his backpack and begins to place them around the fire pit)
Okay everybody, sit in a circle —
APRIL
Where's my pillow?
(finds it, sits)
PENNY
Here Rafe, sit here —
(PENNY and RAFE sit, DAN also sits.)
DAN
(drinks from a flask)
This gonna take long?
(passes the flask to RAFE)
HAINING
Nah, nah, not too long. Okay, light your candles, and close the Devil's Circle.
APRIL
(giggles)
The what?
HAINING
Just, just do it, okay? Relax, dig the scent from the candles, let it flow into you.
PENNY
Better not be rosemary, I'm allergic to rosemary.
HAINING
There isn't! Just —
(reads)
Let it go, let it go, feel it happening, like a great ocean gathering you up, like the silken shrouds of death. I call on Adras, Grand Marquis of Hell —
RAFE
Jesus.
HAINING
(reads)
Provoker of Discords, and upon Ronwe, Demon of Forbidden Knowledge, and upon Behemoth, Arch-Devil of the Black Delights. I call upon Asmodeus the Destroyer —
(APRIL giggles.)
HAINING
(reads)
And Astaroth, Friend of all the Great Lords of Hades.
(DAN chuckles.)
APRIL
I know! It's so My Little Pony.
HAINING
(reads)
I call upon the many names of Satan, Beelzebub and Lucifer. I demand an audience with his Satanic Majesty!
RAFE
Fucking Jesus.
HAINING
(reads)
Demons, support me. Come, Mamnon, Urobach, Leviathan, Belphegor, Lord Balberth and Verinne. Hear me Rosier, Gressil, Sonneillon, and Oeillet.
(APRIL giggles uncontrollably.)
HAINING
(reads)
I will make a pact of blood with you, the Baptism of the Demon Dead.
(pulls a knife and cuts his finger and lets the blood drip onto a candle)
RAFE
Oh shit!
PENNY
That's sick! What are you doing?
HAINING
I know, pretty cool, huh?
(reads)
Come to me Carreau, Carnivean, and the Six Thousand Terrors of Hell! I call to you in your dark eternal caverns. Oh, hear me!
(laughs)
There's a bunch of other shit in the movie, then fucking' Chris Lee shows up and bites on some titties. But hey, if that ain't worth some hellacious trickle down, I dunno what is.
(long pause)
No no, wait for it —
PENNY
You asshole!
(HAINING laughs.)
PENNY
You prick!
RAFE
Not cool, bro.
HAINING
Oh c'mon, we're a fuckin' punk band, we're supposed to do shit like this. Somebody got a bandaid?
PENNY
(hands him one)
Here.
DAN
Yeah, well, we are a band, so we're also supposed to practice. And we do have a gig tomorrow night.
PENNY
I don't think anybody cares how good we play, only that we're loud.
APRIL
Oh, I am positive my totally rad vocals are a major selling point. Book it.
DAN
Then let's practice that, huh? Loud, really fucking loud. There's nobody around for miles —
PENNY
(peering into the fire pit)
Hey, what's that?
(With an ear-splitting DEMON SHRIEK, the floor beneath the fire pit splits open and flames and sparks erupt from it. The FIVE BANDMATES scramble away as actual fucking DEMONS jump out of the fissure and attack them:
DAN dives for the rollup door but a DEMON grabs him and drags him back into the fissure.
APRIL screams and screams until a DEMON jumps on her and rips off her head.
RAFE pushes PENNY to one side as TWO DEMONS grab him and tear him limb from limb.
HAINING tries to run but a DEMON chases him, catches him, rips out his heart and eats it.
The DEMONS eat up the remains of the FOUR DEAD BANDMATES, then climb back down into the fissure. A RED-SKINNED FEMALE DEMON continues eating in a corner as the last of the other DEMONS slips away into the fissure. The FEMALE DEMON turns, scuttles to the fissure - but it snaps shut in her face. The FEMALE DEMON wails and howls in despair; PENNY, forgotten and somehow unhurt, carefully pulls a blanket over herself. Blackout. The FEMALE DEMON's screams continue, change to a lower pitched HOWL, then abruptly end in a very human sounding COUGH. Silence.
Lights up - or rather patchy sunlight leaks down from the skylight as if attempting to break through cloud cover, revealing: the FEMALE DEMON huddled and asleep next to the fire pit, she shakes intermittently in her sleep; PENNY still asleep hidden under the blanket. A thin ray of sunlight strikes the FEMALE DEMON, she shrieks and scrambles away from the light and tramples over PENNY, who wakes up and shrieks at the FEMALE DEMON, who shrieks back at PENNY.)
PENNY
Omigod stop! You're melting my brain.
(The FEMALE DEMON stops shrieking, they sit and stare at one another.)
PENNY
Are you gonna eat me?
(pause)
Cuz if you are, I'd rather you, you know, just get it over with. Fast. Please
(The FEMALE DEMON reaches for her, PENNY cringes.)
FEMALE DEMON
G-girl.
PENNY
What?
FEMALE DEMON
Girl.
(points at herself)
G-girl.
PENNY
Are you talking? Holy fuck-!
FEMALE DEMON
(nods)
Girl. Girl. Lost.
PENNY
What?
FEMALE DEMON
Girl. Alone.
PENNY
Are you fucking kidding me? You want me to feel fucking sorry for you after you ate my boyfriend?
FEMALE DEMON
Lost.
(cries)
PENNY
What the fuck —
(pats the FEMALE DEMON on her shoulder)
There, there.
(The FEMALE DEMON attaches itself to PENNY like a kitten found under a bush.)
PENNY
Oh my fucking god. Hey, you're really hot —
FEMALE DEMON
I, know —
PENNY
No, I mean you're hot to the touch.
FEMALE DEMON
I'm sorry.
PENNY
You're burning up, is that normal? Jesus, I'm asking a demon what's normal for her. It, her, aww fuck!
FEMALE DEMON
I know. I'm sorry.
PENNY
That's the second time you used a contraction. And you haven't growled for a while.
FEMALE DEMON
Woof.
PENNY
Oh fuck me, did you just make a joke? No fucking way —
FEMALE DEMON
Meow?
PENNY
Fucking.
(soto)
Alright Penny, in for a pound.
(normal voice)
Do you have a name? No? You don't have a name, like me, my name is Penny. Okay, okay. I am not naming you, cuz then I'd have to take you home and my mom would freak. You're just, you're just Demon Girl. Alright?
DEMON GIRL
Yes, alright. Thank you.
PENNY
You ate my boyfriend.
DEMON GIRL
I'm sorry!
PENNY
This is so fucked up.
(to DEMON GIRL)
But you're not gonna eat me?
DEMON GIRL
No!
PENNY
For reals?
DEMON GIRL
No, no. No.
PENNY
Okay. So, I'm gonna go, cuz —
DEMON GIRL
No!
PENNY
Look, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I really need a shower. Shit, and, and I have to cancel our gig —
(cries)
DEMON GIRL
(pats PENNY on the shoulder)
There, there.
PENNY
Why don't you come with me. It'll be okay, I'll make it okay, alright?
DEMON GIRL
Alright. Tacos?
PENNY
What?
DEMON GIRL
Tacos?
PENNY
You want tacos?
(DEMON GIRL nods)
Tacos, sure. Wait, how do you know about tacos? I just don't understand —
DEMON GIRL
It'll be okay, Penny. In for a pound.
PENNY
Yeah, in for a pound, that's me. Okay, let's go.
(PENNY pushes up the “rollup door,” a splash of weak light hits the front of the stage.)
PENNY
Alright, the clouds are back, you should be okay or whatever.
(PENNY climbs down into the audience, DEMON GIRL crosses to the edge of the stage to follow her - and bounces backwards as if hit with a sledge, she yells out in pain.)
PENNY
(climbing back onstage)
What? What, what happened, are you hurt, what-?
DEMON GIRL
(whimpers)
Ow, ow ow ow, ow —
PENNY
What, what was it? Was it the light?
(DEMON GIRL shakes her head)
It wasn't the light? Was it the air, was it —
(DEMON GIRL shakes her head)
Is there something else in here, is it —
(DEMON GIRL shakes her head)
What is it, can you say?
DEMON GIRL
Trap. Here. Trapped here. Can't go home, only here —
(wails)
PENNY
Jesus. Fucking hell, man, Satan needs to lighten the fuck up. Shit. Okay, I'll go and —
DEMON GIRL
No!!
PENNY
It's okay, it's alright, I'm not trapped here so I can go and get stuff. Like food? Food, eat? You must be getting hungry, I know I am.
DEMON GIRL
Nooo. Don't go.
PENNY
Ooooh. Look, it's gonna be okay. I'll come back, I promise I will, okay? I won't leave you here alone. I don't know why I won't, but I won't, I know that, yeah.
DEMON GIRL
In for a pound?
PENNY
Yes, you got it. Okay, I'll be back. You'll be okay here, alright? You'll be okay-?
DEMON GIRL
Come back to me. Please.
PENNY
Yes, I will.
DEMON GIRL
Okay. You can go now.
PENNY
Yeah, thanks I think.
(PENNY climbs back down into the audience, closes the “rollup door” and exits. DEMON GIRL curls up under a mattress and whimpers. Punk rock music plays softly; blackout.
Lights up dimly; music out. PENNY enters through the audience carrying bags — DEMON GIRL jumps out from under the mattress, growls, ready to fight or flee. PENNY pushes up the “rollup door.” )
PENNY
I'm back. Hope you like what I got for you —
(DEMON GIRL shrieks, runs to PENNY — and bounces backwards as if hit with a sledge. PENNY climbs onto the stage, DEMON GIRL whimpers.)
PENNY
Ohmigod, you gotta stop doing that!
(drops the bags and crosses to DEMON GIRL)
Seriously, you're gonna hurt yourself —
(DEMON GIRL latches onto PENNY and hugs her tight.)
PENNY
It's okay, I'm here now, I told you I'd come back, didn't I? Whoa, you're not hot anymore. Jesus, you're freezing, what the fuck is up with you?
(pulls a bag over)
Here, good thing I brought extra clothes and, here I got you this —
(wraps a towel around her)
This should help —
(the red starts to come off DEMON GIRL's skin)
What the fuck?! Your skin is, I dunno, molting. Are you okay, what's going on with you?
DEMON GIRL
(shivers)
I dunno, am I dying?
PENNY
No, no, I think you're just, changing, I dunno.
DEMON GIRL
Changing? Am I going to be me?
PENNY
Yeah, yeah I think you're you. Here —
(rubs her down with the towel)
Wow, you are not red underneath, you know that? This is, I think you're gonna be alright, this is just, like, skin. Really awesome skin, damn.
DEMON GIRL
(touches PENNY's face)
Skin. Awesome skin.
PENNY
Right, if you're into acne pits.
(pulls clothes from her bag)
Here, let's get you dressed, huh? Just like a real human. Oh shit, I mean —
DEMON GIRL
That's alright, Penny. Help me?
(PENNY helps DEMON GIRL into ripped jeans and a men's polyester cowboy shirt.)
DEMON GIRL
(squirms)
Penny?
PENNY
(buttons the shirt)
What?
DEMON GIRL
(scrambles away and worms out of the shirt)
No, no no no, I don't like this, no —
PENNY
(crawls after her)
Hey, hey wait-! Wait, listen to me, okay? You look human, well, except for the horns. But people wear clothes, okay? They do.
DEMON GIRL
But I'm not a person, Penny.
PENNY
Yeah, yes, I think you are, I think you are. Or maybe you were? I dunno, this is still weird to me, I like you and I wanna help you but —
DEMON GIRL
I am a demon. Demon Girl. I eat humans, people.
PENNY
Yeah, well, about that —
(pulls snack cakes from her bag)
Maybe this will be better.
DEMON GIRL
(sniffs them)
What are these? Food?
PENNY
Try a bite.
(DEMON GIRL takes a bite, then shoves the rest into her mouth.)
DEMON GIRL
More, more more more!
PENNY
Yes! Fucking lard to the rescue.
(DEMON GIRL eats all the snack cakes.)
DEMON GIRL
More?
PENNY
(tosses her an apple)
What about this?
DEMON GIRL
(sniffs it, takes a bite, spits it out)
Ew, bad lard!
PENNY
Hey! That's got vitamin C in it, and fiber and —
DEMON GIRL
(runs after the apple)
Wait —
(takes another bite)
Good! Different, but good.
PENNY
So we've determined you're not seven, that's swell.
DEMON GIRL
More?
PENNY
Shirt.
DEMON GIRL
(puts on the shirt)
Okay. Uhh, nipples sore!
PENNY
Be glad I didn't make you wear a bra. While we're on the subject of girly bits, Jesus, girly bits. Okay, um, do you bleed, you know, down there? Between your legs? Yes no? So there's this thing humans do, human women do, it's called menstruating. Once a month, we bleed down there, from our vagina, you know —
(DEMON GIRL looks horrified)
It's okay, it's normal. I mean it's how we make babies. Uh, you don't know how babies are made? Crapping Jesus. So okay, a guy puts his bit, his thing, up into our —
DEMON GIRL
Fucking. Demons do this. Hurts, a lot.
PENNY
Yeah, well, it's also how —
DEMON GIRL
Like a mother fucker.
PENNY
Okay, it can, sure. But, their sperm fertilizes our egg. Aren't there baby demons? No? Oh. Humans, girls, we make eggs, in here. And guys, they make sperm. And together they make a baby. And the baby grows inside us then comes out —
(DEMON GIRL screams)
No, it's okay, it's normal —
DEMON GIRL
No, no, no that's, that's, how does little baby come out of-? Demons have big thingies, hurt like mother fuckers, but babies? You gotta be fucking kidding me.
PENNY
Yeah, I wish I were. We menstruate, we give birth.
DEMON GIRL
Ew. I'm sorry.
PENNY
That's alright. Cuz another thing we do —
(pulls a bottle of Scotch from her bag)
We get drunk. A lot.
(takes a swig, offers it)
This may be a bad idea, but what the fuck.
DEMON GIRL
(takes the bottle, drinks, spits it out)
Ack, eww, poison!
(takes another drink)
It's alright.
(takes another drink)
Mmm, good!
PENNY
(grabs the bottle)
Easy there, champ.
(drinks)
Yeah okay.
(hands it back)
Getting drunk with the demons, who says we ain't punk rock?
DEMON GIRL
Punk rock?
PENNY
Yeah, you know, like the Sex Pistols, and the Ramones? Uh, New Wave bands like Siouxsie and the Banshees, or, Brian Eno. Debbie Harry? The Cure? Here —
(PENNY drags her drum kit from the office, plugs it in.)
PENNY
Okay, so this is technically cheating, but lots of bands are into this, so it's kinda —
(taps the skins, DEMON GIRL jumps)
Sorry, sorry. Here, you try it.
(DEMON GIRL takes the sticks, taps on the skins a bit, laughs, punches out a driving beat.)
PENNY
Whoa! Okay, so you got rhythm, that's cool.
DEMON GIRL
More more more!
PENNY
You like doing this?
DEMON GIRL
Yes!!
PENNY
Okay then, try this —
(drags out an electric guitar, plugs it in)
This is kinda tricky so —
(DEMON GIRL plonks some strings, plonks a couple more, hits a chord — and smiles like to light up the entire west coast.)
PENNY
Here, let me help.
(PENNY strikes a simple beat on her kit, embellishes a little; DEMON GIRL strums a few non-chords, ear-chewingly bad — then rips the fuck out of a flamenco progression, like Charo on speed pummeling a punk jam. PENNY struggles to keep up, gives up and hits a strong, simple beat. DEMON GIRL reaches a natural stopping point — but continues on in a new vein, very soundscape/The Cure remixes; PENNY matches her, a nice and easy beat. DEMON GIRL goes abstract, PENNY reigns in; DEMON GIRL builds to a banging climax, PENNY rocks out, helping DEMON GIRL finish up in some kind of Xanadu heaven. As the last chord powers down, DEMON GIRL drops the guitar in front of the baby amp — all kinds of reverb shrieks out, DEMON GIRL screams and PENNY frantically turns the power off and grabs onto DEMON GIRL and strokes her hair, soothing her.)
PENNY
Okay, maybe we're not a punk band.
(Blackout; music under, kinda twinkly and sparse.
Lights up on DEMON GIRL — a mesh top added to the ripped jeans — pinging on some random xylophone-type instrument, weak sunlight slants down on the opposite side of the stage. PENNY enters through the audience, pushes up the “garage door” and crawls onto the stage. )
PENNY
Hey, that sounds good.
DEMON GIRL
(stops playing)
Thank you.
PENNY
Still trying to get my head around a demon girl in a mesh top who says “Thank you.”
DEMON GIRL
Nipples feel great!
PENNY
Uh-huh. We got our first audition in a few minutes, uh, dude named Rich.
DEMON GIRL
Okay.
PENNY
Okay.
DEMON GIRL
We just watch?
PENNY
Yeah, you know, listen to their sound, see if we think it would fit in with what we've been doing, like that.
DEMON GIRL
Okay. Sounds complicated.
PENNY
(laughs)
It's not really, I'm probably not explaining it very well. We'll listen, thank them for showing up, then after they've gone we can discuss whatever. Alright?
DEMON GIRL
(nods)
Listen. Discuss. Yeah.
PENNY
Trust me, it'll be okay.
(RICH, mid 30s, enters through the audience, knocks on the stage.)
RICH
Hello?
PENNY
Whoops, he's here!
(opens the “garage door”)
RICH
Hi.
PENNY
Come on in!
(RICH climbs onstage.)
RICH
Hi. I'm Rich. Wow, this place is cool, it's kinda like that music video.
PENNY
Hi, I'm Penny, this is, uh —
DEMON GIRL
Demon Girl, hi.
RICH
Uh, hi, hi.
PENNY
So okay, what've you got for us?
RICH
Hi, well, uh, I sing, and uh —
PENNY
Okay, we need a vocalist.
RICH
Good, great. Uh —
PENNY
Just let'er rip.
RICH
Okay, okay. Here goes —
(sings)
I'VE BEEN ALIVE FOREVER,
AND I WROTE THE VERY FIRST—
PENNY
(cuts him off)
Great! Terrific! We'll be in touch!
RICH
Uh, okay, wow, you sure you don't want to hear more?
PENNY
You know, with those few notes, you wrote an encyclopedia.
RICH
Gee, thanks!
PENNY
(walks him to the “garage door”)
Thank you for showing up!
RICH
Okay, bye! Thanks again!
(exits)
PENNY
Wow.
DEMON GIRL
He's in the band?
PENNY
Uh, no.
DEMON GIRL
He has a very pleasant voice.
PENNY
Over my dead body.
DEMON GIRL
So, no?
PENNY
No, no. No.
DEMON GIRL
Okay.
PENNY
Well we have a few minutes —
DEMON GIRL
Penny, I really like you. I do.
PENNY
Oh. Thanks. I like you too.
DEMON GIRL
Good. Not “fucking” like —
PENNY
Yeah, no —
DEMON GIRL
I really like you.
PENNY
Were you someone else in another life?
DEMON GIRL
Um, I think I was me, always.
PENNY
Okay, okay.
DEMON GIRL
Were you somebody else in another life?
PENNY
No, no I don't think I was, either.
DEMON GIRL
Good. I like you as you.
(KENJAY, early 20s, makes his way through the audience to the front of the stage.)
PENNY
One of these days, I'm not gonna feel weird about this friendship.
DEMON GIRL
Me, either.
(PENNY grins)
What?
PENNY
Nothing.
DEMON GIRL
Okay.
KENJAY
Hello?
PENNY
Oh —
(pushes up the “garage door”)
Hi.
KENJAY
Hi. I'm Kenjay, here for the audition.
PENNY
Yeah, come in.
(KENJAY crawls onstage with his gear)
This is, uh, well Demon Girl.
DEMON GIRL
Hi!
KENJAY
Hello, hi.
DEMON GIRL
Hi.
PENNY
(to KENJAY)
So you play-?
KENJAY
I kinda play everything.
PENNY
Oh.
KENJAY
I'm one of those people, I can pretty much play any instrument I pick up. But I brought this —
DEMON GIRL
You play box?
KENJAY
(laughs)
Yeah, it's a box, it's my own little synthesizer, I figure why should the Tubes have all the fun, right? Sorry, Xanadu humor, no one gets it.
DEMON GIRL
(recites)
“In Xanadu did Kubla Khan, a stately pleasure-dome decree. Where Alph the sacred river ran, through caverns measureless to man, down to a sunless sea.”
KENJAY
Way cool.
(to PENNY)
You got power?
PENNY
Here —
(brings him various cords)
KENJAY
Thanks.
PENNY
This one's to the amp.
KENJAY
Thanks. Okay —
(switches his box “On”)
Takes a minute to warm up.
(KENJAY fiddles with his box, all kinds of pre-recorded and live sounds come out of the amp, the sounds settle into a groove.)
KENJAY
Not sure what you're looking for —
(points to the instrument DEMON GIRL had been playing)
May I?
(DEMON GIRL nods and hands it to him, KENJAY begins a simple progression that becomes more and more complex. DEMON GIRL spontaneously vocalizes, no words but perfectly in sync with KENJAY's creation. PENNY plugs in her kit, tamps out almost a jazz beat to compliment them. They whirl and they twirl and they tangle together, then come to a natural conclusion.)
KENJAY
Whoa.
PENNY
Yeah.
KENJAY
So, uh, I guess I'll wait to hear back from you —
DEMON GIRL
No. You're in the band.
(to PENNY)
Yes?
PENNY
Yes. Definitely.
KENJAY
Thank you. My first band.
PENNY
What, really?
KENJAY
Yeah, just been me in my closet, you know? Wow. Hey, what's the band's name?
PENNY
Uh —
DEMON GIRL
Demon Girl and the Bitch Puppies.
KENJAY
I like it. Can't wait to see the t-shirt.
PENNY
Yeah, me too.
DEMON GIRL
Me too!
KENJAY
Well, you got my digits, lemme know when rehearsal is.
PENNY
I will. And thank you.
KENJAY
No, thank you.
DEMON GIRL
Thanks!
KENJAY
(laughs)
Stay you.
(KENJAY packs up and exits.)
DEMON GIRL
I like him. Good.
PENNY
I like him too, he was very polite.
DEMON GIRL
Very polite, very.
PENNY
Next one should be here soon, dude named Milo.
DEMON GIRL
Okay.
PENNY
Not sure what he plays.
DEMON GIRL
Okay.
(MILO, teens, trans, makes his way through the audience to the “garage door.”)
MILO
Hello?
PENNY
That must be him —
(pushes up the “garage door”)
Oh.
MILO
Uh, hi, I'm Milo. Here for the audition?
PENNY
Uh, yeah, come on in —
(MILO crawls onto the stage with his violin case.)
DEMON GIRL
Hi, Demon Girl.
MILO
Milo. Really?
DEMON GIRL
You bet your sweet bippy.
PENNY
(to MILO)
So, uh, violin-?
MILO
Yeah, not sure if it's what you're looking for, but I figured I'd try.
DEMON GIRL
Thank you for trying.
PENNY
Yeah.
(MILO gets out her violin, teases a couple notes.)
MILO
You probably don't want “Dance of the Sugarplum Faeries” —
DEMON GIRL
Faeries?
PENNY
Not what you think.
REGGIE
But maybe something like —
(MILO plays a halting, vaguely Russian melody line — and DEMON GIRL whips out an acoustic guitar and they bounce themes and phrases off each other, one would almost swear there was a mandolin in there somewhere; PENNY watches them, wide-eyed. DEMON GIRL abruptly stops playing.)
DEMON GIRL
Stop.
(MILO stops playing; REED, 20s, stumbles through the audience to the “garage door.”)
REED
(drunk, yells)
Hello? Hey, hello-?
(PENNY opens the “garage door”)
Hey.
(laughs)
Band audition?
PENNY
Uh —
(REED crawls onstage, DEMON GIRL snarls at him.)
REED
(laughs)
Ohmigod, I do that to myself every morning in the bathroom mirror!
(to PENNY)
Hi, I'm Reed, rhythm guitar or backup guitar, or sometimes lead guitar if I'm not too drunk —
(laughs)
Fuck, I didn't even bring mine.
PENNY
Yeah, that's okay, I think we're good right now —
(DEMON GIRL drags out an electric guitar, plugs it in, shoves it at him.)
DEMON GIRL
Play!
REED
(takes the guitar)
Thanks. Nice pokies.
DEMON GIRL
(blushes)
Thank you.
REED
(strumming the guitar)
I kinda liked what you guys were doing, sorta of Led Zeppelin feel to in there —
(REED starts to play, DEMON GIRL joins in on the acoustic, it's rough for a bit then mellows out. MILO pulls a few halting notes, then boldly plays a Celtic-type melody, strong and sure. PENNY punches in a driving beat on her kit, takes the melody to new places, REED and DEMON GIRL keep up just fine.)
REED
(abruptly stops playing, ALL stop playing)
Hey, what's the name of this band? Whatever —
(passes out)
PENNY
I think we have a band.
(DEMON GIRL cradles REED's head in her lap as the lights blackout.
Music under, a light running tune with tik-tok drum sticks for a beat, lilting violin, and an ethereal, monosyllabic vocal. Lights up, weak starlight shines down through the skylight with lamps and candles placed randomly. PENNY and MILO play and DEMON GIRL sings, REED is still passed out. KENJAY makes his way through the audience.)
KENJAY
Hello?
(ALL stop playing, PENNY pushes up the “garage door.”)
PENNY
Hello?
KENJAY
(hops onstage)
No problem. Glad to get the call, thank you.
DEMON GIRL
This is the band!
REGGIE
(laughs)
Okay.
PENNY
Uh, let's see. This is Kenjay, and this is Milo over here —
KENJAY
Pleased to meet you.
MILO
Same.
PENNY
And that guy drooling in his sleep is Reed, he's actually a pretty good guitar player. At least when he's drunk.
KENJAY
Cool. A good axeman is hard to find.
PENNY
I thought you said you only played in your closet?
KENJAY
I do get out, go to the clubs. Lotta shit out there.
MILO
I'll say.
DEMON GIRL
This band good! This band is awesome.
KENJAY
Okay. Well, you wanna practice? Jam like we did, or-?
PENNY
We don't really have any songs written, so yeah, I guess we can still jam out, get to know each other's sound.
DEMON GIRL
Write songs?
PENNY
Yeah, you know, with lyrics maybe, so we can play the same song again.
DEMON GIRL
Play the same song —
KENJAY
Yeah, like we can have a playlist for our set —
DEMON GIRL
Playlist —
MILO
And then our fans will have favorites.
(to PENNY)
Is she-?
PENNY
Uh, she's from France.
KENJAY
(nods)
Ah. Yeah.
MILO
(nods)
Got it.
DEMON GIRL
Is France in another part of Hell?
PENNY
Uh —
DEMON GIRL
I'm from Hell, I just learned to poop for the first time —
PENNY
(to audience)
Deleted scene, cuz gross!
DEMON GIRL
I'm trapped here and I was burning up but Penny saved me and now I eat cupcakes and crunchy bits instead of people.
KENJAY
Okay.
MILO
You ate people?
DEMON GIRL
Yes. I had no mind. I don't want to be demon ever again, I want to be a people, like Penny, like you and you. But I don't know if I can, as long as I'm trapped here I know I'm still a demon, I'm still not human. I don't know what to do, I don't know how —
KENJAY
Hey, it's alright, just, you know, be you. Be you.
MILO
You can't be anyone else, none of us can.
PENNY
Got an idea for a song, oh yeah.
(Blackout; music under, soft violin.
Lights up: still night time, the lamps are off but a few candles still sputter; MILO plays his violin, DEMON GIRL looks through old magazines, REED snores. )
DEMON GIRL
That's nice.
MILO
(stops playing)
Uh, thanks.
DEMON GIRL
No no, still play.
MILO
That's okay, kinda lost the thread.
DEMON GIRL
Oh.
MILO
(nodding at REED)
You like him.
DEMON GIRL
Really want to fuck him, yes.
MILO
Yeah. Always the badass that does it.
DEMON GIRL
You can fuck him, too.
MILO
Uh, pass.
DEMON GIRL
Okay.
MILO
You really are a demon.
DEMON GIRL
Yes. Sorry.
MILO
Hey, it's the eighties.
DEMON GIRL
You're a girl.
MILO
Biologically, yeah.
DEMON GIRL
You don't look like girl.
MILO
Uh-huh. I know.
DEMON GIRL
Why? Are you-?
MILO
Not really sure, I guess. Hope that doesn't pop your bubble or anything.
DEMON GIRL
We have in Hell. Fun times.
MILO
(laughs)
That's good, that's, alright.
DEMON GIRL
I like you. Not to fuck, but I like you.
MILO
I like you, too.
DEMON GIRL
(points to magazine)
Can you explain this? Please?
MILO
(crosses to her)
What?
DEMON GIRL
Why they do this, what is this?
MILO
Advertising. Selling soft drinks
DEMON GIRL
Drink?
MILO
Yeah.
DEMON GIRL
But, humans drink anyway.
MILO
Yes. But they want you to drink theirs. So they dress it up with boobs and a smile.
DEMON GIRL
Boobs and a smile.
MILO
Yep. Sells anything.
DEMON GIRL
Boobs and a smile
MILO
Yeah, yeah.
REED
(grunts, half-asleep)
There are boobs?
SALLY
No, go back to sleep.
(REED does so)
I dunno, man.
DEMON GIRL
It's the eighties.
MILO
Yeah, yeah, it sure is.
DEMON GIRL
(grabs her guitar)
Okay, let's try this-!
(DEMON GIRL hits a few chords, REED wakes up and watches with MILO.)
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
I'VE GOT,
WHAT YOU WANT.
I'LL GIVE YOU,
WHAT YOU NEED.
I'LL TOUCH YOU,
I'LL KISS YOU,
I'LL FUCK YOU,
I'LL MAKE YOU BLEED.
REED
Shit.
MILO
(grabs his violin)
C'mon-!
(MILO starts to play, almost percussive backup to DEMON GIRL's progressions.)
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
I'LL DO,
ANYTHING.
I'LL EVEN,
WEAR YOUR RING.
BUT YOUR BALL AND CHAIN WON'T HOLD ME,
YOU'D WISH YOU'D NEVER TOLD ME TO BRING —
(REED kicks in with a gnarly lead line.)
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
EVERYTHING I KNOW!
IT WILL BURN YOU.
EVERYTHING I DO!
WILL CRUSH YOUR HEAD.
YOU'LL BEG FOR MERCY WHILE YOU SUCK,
CUZ WITH ME THERE'S JUST NO LUCK TO SPARE —
YOUR BED,
IS ON FIRE!
YOUR SOUL,
IS GONE AWAY.
EVERYTHING I DO DESTROYS YOU,
ALL YOU FEEL IS LOSS AND PAIN AND DESPAIR —
Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!
(ALL rock out as if possessed. PENNY and KENJAY enter through the audience with bags of food, a pizza and a short case, they flip to what's going on, push up the “garage door” and rush onstage and grab their instruments and join in, PENNY hammering out hair metal and KENJAY pushing it all to prog.)
ALL
(sing)
EVERYTHING I KNOW!
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
IT WILL BURN YOU.
ALL
(sing)
EVERYTHING I DO!
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
WILL CRUSH YOUR HEAD.
YOU'LL SCREAM FOR ME TO STOP,
AS YOUR —
ALL
(sing)
COCK GOES POP!
DEMON GIRL
Alright!!
ALL
(sing)
YOUR BED —
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
IS ON FIRE!
ALL
(sing)
YOUR SOUL —
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
IS GONE AWAY.
YOUR FLESH WILL FEEL MY HEAT,
YOUR DAMNATION IS COMPLETE IN ME —
ALL
(sing)
DEMON GIRL!
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
WILL LOVE YOU.
ALL
(sing)
DEMON GIRL!
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
WILL RELEASE YOU —
From all this!
(ALL jam out. Lights dim, instruments cut out until only KENJAY's synth still holds; light escapes from the sealed crack in the floor, glows blood red. Blackout; music out.
Lights up on the warehouse in full-on pre-concert mode: instruments set up to play, lamps on and strategically placed, candles lit. PENNY sorts out the cords coming from the office, REED gets his food pedals set up, KENJAY checks all his synth connections, and MILO helps DEMON GIRL with her makeup.)
MILO
And if you want that red to totally overwhelm the purple, you fade it like this —
DEMON GIRL
I don't understand, why, how do you know so much of how to do this?
MILO
Just cuz I never use the stuff, doesn't mean I don't know how.
DEMON GIRL
Yes, I never curse but I know how.
MILO
You mean, like, swear? Shit goddamn?
DEMON GIRL
No, curse. Like give you monkey's tale, like that.
MILO
Oh. Wow. Er, thank you, I guess.
DEMON GIRL
You're welcome. I like you as you.
MILO
(blushes)
So okay, now you said you wanted to get some deep blue on your lips, now we can do that like by doing a little bit of this —
REED
(to KENJAY)
That's some contraption you got.
KENJAY
Yeah.
REED
I played with a guy this one time, he had a —
KENJAY
I got this old Korg Twenty cheap from a roadie, not sure where it really came from. Like, who used this? Weird. Then I found this, well, you can't really tell but it's a MiniMoog, I transplanted the guts and sort of combined them together, it's a real Frankenstein job but I keep working on it, you know, trying to get the best sounds and mixes I can. I've added a couple extra bits and pieces, got a pedal board in it, just like you use —
REED
So what you're saying is, you're really a fucking genius. Got it.
KENJAY
Heh, sorry, I get carried away sometimes.
REED
No problem, hoss, just carry it over there somewhere. And bring me back a beer, will ya?
KENJAY
(laughs)
Yeah, here —
(passes him a beer)
You make a pretty cool, badass dude, you know?
REED
(slugs down the beer, burps)
And don't you fuckin' forget it!
KENJAY
I won't, I won't.
PENNY
(drags a cord over, to REED)
Here, try this.
REED
(plugs in his guitar, tries a few twangs)
Cool. Thanks.
PENNY
Okay. Then I think we're all ready.
MILO
(to DEMON GIRL)
I think we're done.
(to PENNY)
How's it looking out there?
PENNY
(peeks through a “hole” in the “garage door”)
I see a couple of goths, there's a group of punk boys over there, so not bad.
REED
Oh fucking rad, man. Where's the groupies?
PENNY
No groupies, yet. This place is kinda hard to find in this maze of warehouses, start playing and more will find us.
REED
Then fuckin' let's rock!
(REED blasts out a chord, fuzzes it, PENNY rolls up the “garage door” then scrambles over to her kit, KENJAY and MILO find places to jump in on REED's opening. PENNY kicks in with her kit — and the random and traveling intro slams itself into a driving beat full of mischief and mayhem. DEMON GIRL steps up to her mic.)
DEMON GIRL
(sings)
YOU KNOW ME,
YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE.
YOU KNOW ME,
I'M YOUR FANTASY.
I KNOW YOU,
YOU'RE THAT STUPID ASSHOLE FOLLOWS ME AROUND HOPING I'LL
SUCK HIS DICK —
I KNOW YOU,
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
BUT TONIGHT,
TONIGHT IS NEW.
TONIGHT,
IT'S NOT THE SAME YOU.
I'M A LITTLE WASTED,
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN FUCKED FOR DAYS.
IF YOU'RE NOT DISEASED —
OH HELL, EVEN IF YOU ARE.
(rips away her mesh top)
C'MON AND SUCK MY TITTIES,
BE MY PUPPY TONIGHT.
C'MON AND RIDE MY PUSSY,
BE MY BITCH PUPPY TONIGHT.
BE MY BITCH PUPPY TONIGHT,
BE MY BITCH PUPPY —
(screams)
(REED and MILO launch into a blistering duet, joyful and raunchy and no give-and-take, only maniacally attacking each other and loving it. As the song ends, KENJAY leads the transition into the next song, and the BAND performs their full set.
During the final song — a punked-out Irish jig with MILO sawing away at warp speed — a DEMON crawls from the pit, unnoticed by the BAND, and climbs atop a shelf unit to watch. At some point it produces an oddly-shaped string instrument, and using its tail as a bow, launches its shrieky sound into the song. DEMON GIRL runs and hides behind PENNY but the rest of the BAND continues playing, somehow incorporating the DEMON's shrill scratches into the jig. The DEMON arrows on MILO, MILO responds and their combined playing ebbs and flows, soars and dives all over the place; REED and KENJAY and PENNY do their best to keep up and compliment them, but eventually they drop out one by one, leaving MILO and the DEMON to find their way to the end. MILO finally stops playing, exhausted; the DEMON continues on with its tail — but points at DEMON GIRL and crooks its finger, “Follow me.” DEMON GIRL violently shakes her head “No!” and the DEMON grins — and points at MILO.)
PENNY
Wait, what's it saying-?
DEMON GIRL
It wants someone, in trade. Someone must go in my place —
MILO
I'll go!
DEMON GIRL
No, it's what I am. This was a dream, I will go back.
MILO
No, really, I'll go, I'll go-!
PENNY
Milo, you can't -
MILO
This is all I ever wanted, this is everything to me.
(to DEMON GIRL)
You stay here, I'll go.
DEMON GIRL
No —
MILO
I'm not going in your place, you're staying in mine.
(to the DEMON)
Thank you.
PENNY
Milo-!
MILO
It's okay, it'll be okay. Whatever happens, it'll be my choice.
(to the BAND)
Thank you.
(The DEMON leads MILO down into the pit, a distant scream is heard immediately followed by a joyous laugh.)
KENJAY
Wow.
REED
Yeah. Never gonna top that.
PENNY
I hope Milo will be okay.
DEMON GIRL
Nope. No —
(DEMON GIRL collapses and begins to convulse.)
PENNY
(holds her)
Wait, oh shit-!
KENJAY
(rushes over)
Put a, something under her head —
(REED folds up his jacket and places it under DEMON GIRL's head.)
REED
And the hits keep coming.
(Lights dim in the warehouse, pin spot up on DEMON GIRL as her convulsions subside, then stop completely. Lights return to normal.)
REED
The fuck was that shit?
PENNY
I dunno, I dunno, I —
(DEMON GIRL wakes up, looks around, blinks.)
DEMON GIRL
Ow!
PENNY
What?
DEMON GIRL
My elbow. Hurts. Hurts!
PENNY
Wait —
DEMON GIRL
Penny, I'm alive, really alive.
KENJAY
Far out.
REED
Rad.
PENNY
Omigod, that's amazing! Are you —
DEMON GIRL
Yes, I'm me, I'm still me but, I'm human, not demon anymore, I can feel it. In my elbow.
PENNY
(laughs)
Hey, that's where we all feel it.
REED
Wait'll you stub your toe.
KENJAY
Wasabi!
REED
Oh shit, man, no fucking raw fish, I hate that shit.
(REED and KENJAY strike their respective gear.)
PENNY
(to DEMON GIRL)
You sure you're okay?
DEMON GIRL
Yeah, yes, I'll be alright. But, I can stay, here, with you?
PENNY
Well I'm not letting you go anywhere else without me!
DEMON GIRL
Good! Friends good.
PENNY
Yes they are, even if sometimes they're assholes.
(REED and KENJAY continue to pack up as the lights blackout.
Music under, a simple keyboard melody. Lights up as for daylight, KENJAY fiddles on his synth, a shirtless REED lies passed out near the fire pit surrounded by empty takeout boxes and crushed beer cans. KENJAY pauses, sips his beer — and his melody is reflected back at him as if from very far away in the pit, ghostly and pure.)
KENJAY
(smiles)
Hey there.
(KENJAY continues playing. MILLER, mid 20s, enters through the audience carrying a suitcase.)
MILLER
(calls out)
Hello?
KENJAY
(stops playing, calls out)
Hey, our two o'clock is here-!
(PENNY and DEMON GIRL scamper on giggling together, they've obviously been into the makeup, very garish faces. REED lifts his head, rolls over, done with this bullshit. PENNY pushes up the “garage door”.)
PENNY
Hi!
MILLER
Uh, hi.
PENNY
Come on in —
DEMON GIRL
(Bela Lugosi voice)
Yes, come in, of your own free will!
PENNY
(giggles)
Stop it!
(MILLER climbs onto the stage.)
KENJAY
(to MILLER)
You are?
MILLER
Uh, my name is Miller, I called, I saw the flyer for the band audition.
KENJAY
Hey, far out! I'm Kenjay, this is Penny —
DEMON GIRL
(to MILLER, same spooky voice)
And what is it you play?
MILLER
Uh, I play a couple things, I brought with me here —
DEMON GIRL
(same voice)
Yes yes, I'm sure you do, that's wonderful. But first, you must answer, you must tell me one very important thing.
MILLER
Uh, okay —
DEMON GIRL
(her own voice)
It's the most important thing of all. What is my name?
(PENNY and KENJAY drop jaws; blackout.
Curtain.
After curtain call another song or two is cool, also the “Name DEMON GIRL!” game is announced: audience members submit suggestions, the actor playing DEMON GIRL picks her new name and presents the winner with official “DEMON GIRL AND THE BITCH PUPPIES” merch — ripped t-shirt, rusty pin badge, etc.)