SHE DIES IN ACT TWO

Copyright © Jason Ferté

(In blackness: a MAN cries out in ecstasy. Lights up dimly on a swank Manhattan apartment: the side walls are suggested only with large abstract paintings and shelving alcoves hung in space, effectively offsetting the huge picture windows upstage looking out on giant vertical slabs of buildings with thin slashes of night sky between them. An elegant dining table and chairs lie in front of the windows, downstage of that is a conversation pit with a drinks cart to one side. A door downstage left is closed, another doorway downstage right spills light onto textured shag carpeting — it is resoundingly 1978.

JOHN, late 20s, gorgeous and knows it, walks naked from the open doorway, grabs a robe from the floor and crosses to the drinks cart and pours himself a large drink. He switches on a reel to reel stereo tucked on a shelf and soft music plays. LYDIA, mid 20s, also gorgeous and knows it, enters from the open doorway wearing a loosely wrapped kimono, a lighter and an unlit cigarette in hand. She settles in the conversation pit, digs an ashtray from the cushions, lights up.)

JOHN

How many times have I asked you.

LYDIA

How many times have I said I don't care.

JOHN

I don't know why I keep fucking you.

LYDIA

I let you come first.

JOHN

Don't kid me, you never come.

LYDIA

And whose fault is that?

JOHN

What, you mean you want to come? I thought it was a choice. So it's not some kinky thing you're doing. My mistake.

LYDIA

You are such a conceited ass.

JOHN

Really. I never noticed. And you're one to talk.

LYDIA

No argument there. But that's the difference between you and me, John, I know who I am, you're still just a big kid, spending daddy's money like the banks are on fire.

JOHN

Again, you're one to talk.

LYDIA

You're right. I'm sorry —

JOHN

(takes her a drink)

Here. And you should be.

LYDIA

(laughs)

Alright. I didn't want our time together to go like this.

JOHN

(points to a painting)

Can I ask you about this one?

LYDIA

Uh, what? I mean, they came with the penthouse.

JOHN

They're not your choices?

LYDIA

Lease says fully furnished, haven't changed a thing since I signed it.

JOHN

Huh. And here I thought I've been gazing into the innermost recesses of your soul.

LYDIA

Nope, just the mundane mind of some overpaid interior decorator. Since you asked, I think they're all kinda creepy, reminds me of the abandoned shrines we used to drive by when I was a kid on Okinawa.

JOHN

You never told me you lived in Japan.

LYDIA

Mm-hmm.

JOHN

For very long?

LYDIA

Till I was seven.

(fingering her kimono)

It's why I like these. Makes me think of happier times. Everything's simple when you're a kid, black and white. Grays only pop up later.

(sighs)

I wish this divorce was over. I want to get back to living my life.

JOHN

He still won't sign?

LYDIA

No, it's his lawyers, just trying to get every last dime out of him, poor bastard. Makes me restless. And horny.

JOHN

(leans over and kisses her)

Let's see what we can do about that, hmm?

LYDIA

(rises)

You read my mind. See? No dark crevices lurking anywhere, only healthy female —

(he kisses her again)

Mmmm, I want to do it the Japanese way, like I saw on TV when I was a kid.

JOHN

Oh? Sounds fun. Hang on —

(crosses to get his drink)

LYDIA

We have to start on our knees facing each other and then we —

(SHEILA, mid 30s, still gorgeous and knows it, fashionably dressed and carrying a large knife, enters from the open doorway and stabs LYDIA in the belly.)

LYDIA

Sheila-!

(SHEILA stabs her again and again but no blood comes out.)

LYDIA/DENISE

Oh goddamnit!

SHEILA/JANE

Don't look at me, I'm doing it right, aren't I?

MALE VOICE

(from audience)

Stop, please!

(CHAZ, mid 40s, growing into his silver fox phase and knows it, comfortably if not fashionably dressed, climbs onto the stage from the audience.)

DENISE

Christ, when is this fucking thing going to work?

CHAZ

Jane, what are you doing —

JOHN/KYLE

Is this a break?

JANE

(to CHAZ)

Yes, yes, I'm doing it just like he showed me —

KYLE

Is this a break? Cuz I'm freezing —

FEMALE VOICE

(from audience)

Yes, Kyle, take ten.

DENISE

You're freezing, my nipples could cut glass —

KYLE

You're telling me.

DENISE

(punches him)

Fucker —

(they exit through the stage left doorway)

JANE

(to CHAZ)

It's the damn, the whatzits —

CHAZ

Tilly, can you come up here for a sec?

(TILLY, late 30s, mousy in a sexy way, dressed in a loose sweater and tight pants, climbs onto the stage from the audience.)

CHAZ

Is Jim still here?

TILLY

No, he left at ten.

CHAZ

Well, call him at home. I know, but this damn thing still isn't working properly and I need to get at least one run-through of this scene in before tech. Please —

TILLY

Okay, but he's not gonna be happy.

CHAZ

Let me deal with that.

TILLY

I'll call him.

(exits through stage right doorway)

JANE

I don't think this is ever, it's just too, look it's —

CHAZ

It's alright, it's alright, Jim'll fix it.

JANE

I'm so sorry, I know you want to get through this —

CHAZ

Not your fault, okay?

JANE

I'm doing everything I can for you, Chaz.

CHAZ

I know you are, it's okay. We'll get through this, we will.

JANE

Okay.

CHAZ

We will, good. Seems we're on break, why don't you have some tea? Some chamomile, yes?

JANE

Yeah, okay. Thank you.

CHAZ

Of course

JANE

Thank you.

(kisses him, exits through the stage right doorway)

(TILLY enters stage right.)

TILLY

He says it should work and he'll take a look at it tomorrow.

CHAZ

Tomorrow. Okay. Okay.

TILLY

I don't know what you want to do for tonight —

CHAZ

Do me a favor, run down to that all-night deli and grab a ketchup bottle —

TILLY

No no —

CHAZ

A ketchup bottle from off a table —

TILLY

But, the carpeting —

CHAZ

It's okay, there's a way to do it that's, trust me, just, get me the ketchup bottle, please.

TILLY

You're serious.

CHAZ

I am.

TILLY

Okay.

CHAZ

Thank you.

(she exits stage right)

(DENISE enters stage left wrapped in a comfy blanket.)

DENISE

Hey. Are you okay?

CHAZ

What?

DENISE

I know how frustrating this must be for you. If there's anything I can do for you —

CHAZ

Thank you, Denise, I'm okay, really I am —

DENISE

(crosses to him and opens the blanket)

No, I mean if there's anything I can do —

CHAZ

Denise —

DENISE

(kisses him, pulls his hands inside the blanket)

What's a wife supposed to do for her husband, anyway?

CHAZ

What if someone sees us?

DENISE

What if they do?

CHAZ

Omigod —

DENISE

Did Jane ever do this for you? Huh, did she?

CHAZ

Mmmm, no, never.

DENISE

(pulls away)

Jesus, don't get me too worked up or I'll fuck you on the table.

CHAZ

Mmmm, we haven't done it there yet.

DENISE

Don't be silly. Oh, now I have to redo my makeup —

CHAZ

Oh darn.

DENISE

I guess I don't have to tell you to hold that thought. Till later.

(exits)

(KYLE enters stage left eating a bagel.)

CHAZ

I wish this set wasn't so open. I can't get my bearings.

KYLE

Isn't that the idea?

CHAZ

Sure, for the play. I was talking about me.

KYLE

It's okay, there's no one here but us.

CHAZ

Don't tempt me.

KYLE

Looked like Denise was giving you a handful.

CHAZ

You saw that? Sorry.

KYLE

(shares the bagel with him)

I don't mind, really. I know where your true heart lies.

CHAZ

Speaking of hearts —

KYLE

I know, that damn knife has to work.

CHAZ

It will, have faith.

KYLE

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

CHAZ

Jim's the best props guy on the west coast, he'll fix it. I just need to keep Jane amped and focused on her follow through.

KYLE

Good. And Jim better fix the damn thing, you've never seen me jealous.

CHAZ

No, I haven't.

KYLE

It's not pretty.

(smooths CHAZ's hair)

No. Absolutely not approved for toddlers, small dogs, or anyone in the geriatrics ward.

CHAZ

Is it too much for me?

KYLE

Nothing's too much for you, boy.

(they kiss)

I better go help her with her makeup.

CHAZ

Hey, don't worry about the knife. She dies in act two.

(KYLE exits stage left. CHAZ exits stage right. TILLY steps out from behind a painting, ketchup bottle in hand, scared shitless. Blackout.

Lights up on the penthouse apartment set sans night sky drop, just an old brick wall that is the back of the theatre as seen through the hanging window frames, flats stacked against it and rigging hanging down and tied off to a pin rail. DENISE, now in street clothes, sits at the table eating an apple and going over her script. JANE enters stage right, in a different costume.)

JANE

Oh.

DENISE

What?

JANE

Is Chaz here? We were going to discuss —

DENISE

He went to get something to eat with Kyle.

JANE

I see. I guess I can show him this one later.

DENISE

You don't have to be afraid of me.

JANE

What?

DENISE

I didn't steal him from you, you know.

JANE

Being afraid of you has to be the furthest thing from my mind.

DENISE

Why so cold then? Or is this the real you.

JANE

Mmmm, I think what you're sensing from me is that I simply don't care about you.

DENISE

I told you I didn't steal him.

JANE

Of course you did.

DENISE

I did not, I —

JANE

It doesn't matter what words you use, if you hadn't stolen him from me, he'd still be mine.

DENISE

That's, that is such a lie. And, and he came onto me first —

JANE

Oh, I'm sure.

DENISE

He did! And I wouldn't, I wouldn't sleep with him cuz he was still married to you.

JANE

How noble of you.

DENISE

It's true! He begged and begged me but I wouldn't, I, oh, that may not be what you want to hear.

JANE

You are such a little slut. Just wait, you're what, twenty-five? Won't be too long now, your tits will start to sag a bit, there'll be a little too much ass in your ass. He'll cancel dinner plans, stay late at rehearsals, and you'll sit at home all alone wondering, who is he really with?

DENISE

I doubt it. And you know, if you were honest with yourself, you'd know it was over between the two of you long before he fell in love with me. Because he did, right from the start.

JANE

You have no clue about what happened during our marriage, you don't know anything about it!

DENISE

I know it ended. And now he's married to me. I'm sure he's really dying to see you in that costume, I'll let him know you were —

(JANE exits stage right)

Pig.

(CHAZ and KYLE enter stage right, KYLE carrying a pizza box.)

CHAZ

Oh good, you're here.

DENISE

(kisses him)

I'm here.

CHAZ

I wanted to go over that scene in act one with you and Kyle.

DENISE

Sure. Ready when you are, Johnny.

KYLE

Oh, let me put this in the dressing room first.

(exits stage left)

CHAZ

I wanted to run this scene again because I'm not convinced it's, well, I think there's more for you to discover there. Okay?

DENISE

I'll do my best.

CHAZ

I know you will.

(KYLE re-enters.)

KYLE

Alright, where do you want me?

CHAZ

Stage right, please, we'll take it from just before your entrance.

KYLE

Right.

(exits)

DENISE

Me at the table? With drink?

CHAZ

Yes, thank you

DENISE

Okey-doke.

(gets a drink and sits)

(CHAZ climbs down into the audience.)

CHAZ

(from audience)

Are you ready, Denise?

DENISE

I am.

CHAZ

(from audience)

Kyle, when you're ready.

(KYLE/JOHN enters carrying a briefcase.)

JOHN

I've got those papers for you to sign, Paul, and — oh.

DENISE/LYDIA

I'm sorry, who are you?

JOHN

Uh, I just, the door was unlatched so I, I'm terribly sorry.

LYDIA

You are?

JOHN

John Tucker, from Civilian Liberties Mutual, we've been working together on this building project, he said come by —

LYDIA

I see. I'm Lydia, how do you do?

JOHN

(they shake hands)

Uh, hi, yes. I mean, fine, fine. Is Paul here?

LYDIA

No, he went out.

JOHN

Oh. Okay then —

LYDIA

Drink? He said he wouldn't be very long.

JOHN

Uh, I really should —

LYDIA

But those papers.

JOHN

Yeah. Okay, sure. Scotch.

LYDIA

I don't have any ice.

JOHN

That's okay.

LYDIA

(hands him the drink)

Cheers.

JOHN

Cheers.

(they drink)

Are you his wife? Cuz he hasn't mentioned you.

LYDIA

Yes, I'm Paul's wife.

JOHN

Maybe I shouldn't ask —

LYDIA

Ask.

JOHN

Are you and he, you see I've seen him with —

LYDIA

We're getting a divorce.

JOHN

Ah. I'm sorry.

LYDIA

I'm not. Never should have married him.

JOHN

Where will you go?

LYDIA

(laughs)

Me? This is my apartment. I do what I like here.

JOHN

And what exactly do you like?

CHAZ

(from audience)

Stop, please.

(crawls on stage)

Good, good, Kyle that was very good, you played off her nicely.

KYLE

Thank you.

CHAZ

Denise, that was good but —

DENISE

But?

CHAZ

I'm not getting, there's just more there for you, Lydia needs to —

DENISE

I'm trying, I am.

CHAZ

I know you are and it's not a question of talent. I know, pretend he's me.

DENISE

Oh.

CHAZ

Yes?

DENISE

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

(kisses him on the cheek)

CHAZ

Oh, and the line, Yes, I'm Paul's wife? Cut the Yes.

DENISE

Will do.

CHAZ

Good. Let's run it again.

(climbs down into the audience)

Got your places? When you're ready, Kyle.

(DENISE sits at the table, KYLE exits.

The following should be night-and-day different from before, both actors dialing up the smoldering sexual tension to an almost unbearable degree.

KYLE/JOHN enters carrying a briefcase.)

JOHN

I've got those papers for you to sign, Paul, and — oh.

DENISE/LYDIA

I'm sorry, who are you?

JOHN

Uh, I just, the door was unlatched so I, I'm terribly sorry.

LYDIA

You are?

JOHN

John Tucker, from Civilian Liberties Mutual, we've been working together on this building project, he said come by —

LYDIA

I see. I'm Lydia, how do you do?

JOHN

(they shake hands)

Uh, hi, yes. I mean, fine, fine. Is Paul here?

LYDIA

No, he went out.

JOHN

Oh. Okay then —

LYDIA

Drink? He said he wouldn't be very long.

JOHN

Uh, I really should —

LYDIA

But those papers.

JOHN

Yeah. Okay, sure. Scotch.

LYDIA

I don't have any ice.

JOHN

That's okay.

LYDIA

(hands him the drink)

Cheers.

JOHN

Cheers.

(they drink)

Are you his wife? Cuz he hasn't mentioned you.

LYDIA

I'm Paul's wife.

JOHN

Maybe I shouldn't ask —

LYDIA

Ask.

JOHN

Are you and he, you see I've seen him with —

LYDIA

We're getting a divorce.

JOHN

Ah. I'm sorry.

LYDIA

I'm not. Never should have married him.

JOHN

Where will you go?

LYDIA

(laughs)

Me? This is my apartment. I do what I like here.

JOHN

And what exactly do you like?

(a WOMAN screams offstage right)

Jesus fuck!

(JANE runs on from stage right half-dressed and clutching a large piece of paper. CHAZ climbs on stage.)

CHAZ

What is it, what —

JANE

Oh god, someone help-!

KYLE

Jane what is it, are you hurt?

CHAZ

What happened —

JANE

I found this in my dressing room, stuffed in with my wigs.

(shows the piece of paper, it has the word “MURDERER” scrawled on it in big red letters)

What is this, what —

KYLE

Oh my god —

CHAZ

This was in your dressing room?

JANE

Yes! What does it mean?

CHAZ

I don't know. It's obviously a reference to your character —

JANE

But why? I don't understand, this is completely —

CHAZ

It's okay, you're safe.

JANE

But I'm not!

(points at DENISE)

And you! Where were you, damn you, and why haven't you said anything?

DENISE

I simply don't care.

JANE

Oh god!

CHAZ

Jane, Jane, it's —

JANE

I'm the victim. No one can see it, I'm the victim, it's me, it's me —

DENISE

Oh lord.

CHAZ

Denise, please, this is serious —

(TILLY enters stage right.)

TILLY

What's going on?

CHAZ

Someone left a note in Jane's dressing room.

KYLE

(points)

Murderer.

JANE

Oh god, I can't —

CHAZ

Tilly, can you —

TILLY

(to JANE)

It's okay, come on, it's gonna be alright —

(leads JANE off stage right)

KYLE

Wow.

CHAZ

Did you put that note in there?

KYLE

No.

CHAZ

(to DENISE)

Did you?

DENISE

No. Did you?

CHAZ

No, I didn't.

KYLE

Tilly?

DENISE

God, no. I'd believe she did it herself before I'd believe Tilly did

CHAZ

No, I would never think that Jane would do that.

KYLE

Some stagehand playing a joke or something then.

CHAZ

I don't know.

DENISE

Well whoever put it there, power to them. If anyone around here deserves to be spooked, it's her.

CHAZ

My dear, that kind of attitude isn't helping.

DENISE

It isn't helping?

CHAZ

No, it isn't. Look at what we're doing. This is exactly the type of act that brings a production to its knees. Toxic fallout.

KYLE

You're right. I'll help. I'll go eat some more pizza.

CHAZ

You do that, thanks.

(KYLE exits stage left)

I'm sorry, Denise.

DENISE

No, no, you were being honest.

CHAZ

It's not as if, I don't know why she gets like that, I've never —

DENISE

Diva syndrome. Who she is.

CHAZ

Yes, I suppose you're right.

DENISE

Kinda me, too.

CHAZ

You're nothing like her —

DENISE

I'm beginning to wonder.

CHAZ

Don't say that.

DENISE

(kisses him)

I know you love me, I'm going to go eat pizza now.

CHAZ

Okay.

(DENISE exits stage left)

(TILLY enters stage right.)

CHAZ

How is she?

TILLY

Resting. I convinced her to take a valium.

CHAZ

Good.

(picks up the note)

Who would do this to her?

TILLY

I don't know.

CHAZ

I don't want anyone else to know about this.

TILLY

She'll tell half the crew when she wakes up —

CHAZ

No! No one else.

TILLY

I'll try.

CHAZ

Thank you.

(TILLY exits stage right. CHAZ crumples the note. PETER, 50s, dressed like a banker, enters stage right.)

PETER

Chaz, what's going on?

CHAZ

Peter, I'm so glad you're here, it's Jane, she's off the deep end lately.

PETER

Isn't that the usual? Didn't you say you could handle it?

CHAZ

This is different, someone left a note in her dressing room, it says Murderer.

PETER

So? Isn't that what she does? Her character, I mean.

CHAZ

Yes, sure, but that's not the point. The point is she's already having issues with Denise in the cast —

PETER

Chaz, this sounds like your creation. I mean you can't expect a woman spurned by her husband to play nice with the girl her husband left her for, can you? The earth wasn't suddenly turned on its ear, was it?

CHAZ

I think she's beginning to lose her grip on reality. Not that she's ever had more than a finger hold on it.

PETER

What do you mean?

CHAZ

Well like you say, she responds to the note like her character would, right? There's other signs, she's definitely drinking more, poor Tilly's in there right now trying to get another valium into her, I suspect. This is not normal behavior, even by her standards. I'm worried —

PETER

Look, you're the director, you cast the show, if you need to recast just do it.

CHAZ

I don't think I'm there yet, not just yet anyway, but I'm glad to have your blessing if it goes that way. Extra week of rehearsal if necessary?

PETER

Yes yes, a week, no more. I need this play to open, Chaz —

CHAZ

I know. I'll do my best.

PETER

Good. Well, be seeing you —

CHAZ

Thank you, Peter. See you.

(PETER exits stage right. DENISE enters stage left.)

DENISE

Ugh, smells like pepperoni in there. Look, I'm sorry about —

CHAZ

No, I'm sorry —

DENISE

I should be the bigger person, I know I should. It's why you married me. Sorry to let you down.

CHAZ

You never let me down, not at all. Don't think that. I do think I need to spend a little more time with Peter.

DENISE

Oh god.

CHAZ

He's not the sort of producer who handles bad news well, oddly enough.

DENISE

(kisses him)

Break legs, my love.

(CHAZ exits stage right. TILLY enters stage right.)

TILLY

Oh.

DENISE

How is she?

TILLY

Sleeping. I gave her a couple valium.

DENISE

That should help her. In case no one has said it, thank you.

TILLY

Just life in the theatre.

DENISE

Are you holding up okay?

TILLY

Um, yes, sure.

DENISE

You know, I've been meaning to ask you about these paintings.

TILLY

Paintings?

DENISE

(points)

Yeah, this one, and this one. They look so creepy, did Jim do them?

TILLY

Uh, no. Someone said they came from an estate sale. Along with the knife.

DENISE

The knife?

TILLY

Yeah, the one the prop knife is modeled on.

DENISE

Really? I had no idea there was an actual knife. Where is it?

TILLY

Chaz has it.

DENISE

Huh. He's never even mentioned it.

(points at one of the paintings)

This one, there's something about it. You know, I think there's a figure in it.

TILLY

(looks)

A figure?

DENISE

A woman. Yes, right in there, do you see her? Like she's underwater or something.

TILLY

Denise —

DENISE

Night Gallery. Do you remember that show? All the creepy paintings they had for all their creepy stories. I watched that show as a kid, scared me to bits, I had so many nightmares from it. This could be one of those paintings, easy.

TILLY

Denise, I think you should go.

DENISE

Go? Go where?

TILLY

Anywhere, just —

DENISE

Wait — that is a tail, right there. Do you see it?

TILLY

A tail?

DENISE

Yes, right in here. But it's weird, long and — oh my god it's a mermaid! Jesus! But the tail, it's smooth and thick, like a, a — holy shit, she's a mammal! It's not a fish tale, it's a seal's, or maybe a whale's tail. What do they call that, fluke, a fluke? Wow. Of course a mermaid would be a mammal, all of her, from tip to tail. That's so cool, don't you think?

TILLY

They're going to kill you.

DENISE

They're what?

TILLY

Going to kill you.

DENISE

Who is?

TILLY

Chaz and Kyle, I heard them.

DENISE

What?

TILLY

I overheard them earlier today.

DENISE

Chaz? That's impossible.

TILLY

I did! I'm not making this up.

DENISE

You misheard, then.

TILLY

I didn't, they were talking about you and how they needed the prop knife for it to work.

DENISE

No, you got it wrong somehow, they were talking about Lydia —

TILLY

They were talking about you, you, not Lydia. And, I saw them kiss.

DENISE

Wait —

TILLY

They didn't see me, but I saw them.

DENISE

Chaz and Kyle kissed? Was it —

TILLY

They kissed.

DENISE

I, mmmmm, no, they kissed?

(pause)

Accidental death, no payout. But murder with criminal intent, excluded.

TILLY

What?

DENISE

It doesn't matter. Who left that note?

TILLY

It was me, I did it. I thought if she was so upset she couldn't go on, nothing bad would happen. It was stupid, I'm sorry.

DENISE

No, no, let's make this work for us.

TILLY

Us?

DENISE

Unless you're with them.

TILLY

No! I don't, can't we just call the police?

DENISE

We can, yes. But only after I have proof. No, He said she said, nothing to deny, nothing for the lawyers to confuse. I need an act, him caught in the act. Will you help me?

(Blackout.

Lights up on the penthouse apartment with a daytime drop behind the window frames. DENISE/LYDIA, dressed in a casual pantsuit, enters stage left looking over some papers. JANE/SHEILA, more formally dressed, enters stage right.)

LYDIA

Oh.

SHEILA

We need to have this out, now.

LYDIA

Have what out?

SHEILA

Don't play coy. You know what.

LYDIA

Alright. He's mine and you can't have him. Clear enough for you?

SHEILA

You're such a juvenile. Look, this can go the easy way or it can go the hard way.

LYDIA

Are you threatening me?

SHEILA

No, but I don't think you're really seeing this for what it is, it's not —

LYDIA

My god, you are threatening me.

SHEILA

It's not about you or me. It's about him, how he feels, what's in his best interests, okay?

LYDIA

Well now you've lost me completely.

SHEILA

Don't be a dunderhead.

LYDIA

And with the insults. This is going so well, don't you think?

SHEILA

Again, it's about him. How is this, this, good for him?

LYDIA

It really scares you for him to decide that, doesn't it?

SHEILA

What scares me is your vagina.

LYDIA

Excuse me?

SHEILA

It must be the tightest thing on the planet for him to lose his mind like this.

LYDIA

Oh my god!

SHEILA

Mmmm, you've never had anyone talk to you like this, have you?

LYDIA

No, can't say that I have.

SHEILA

Well I'll be fucked dead if that pussy and those tits are gonna keep me from him, from being in his life the way I was meant to be.

LYDIA

Jesus. You're serious, aren't you? Okay. Is there anything else? No? Then get the hell out of my apartment!

CHAZ

(from audience)

Okay, stop please.

DENISE

About time.

CHAZ

(climbs onto the stage)

Jane, I have to ask, what the hell was that?

JANE

Oh fuck you, Chaz!

(exits stage right)

CHAZ

Denise, what was she doing?

DENISE

I think maybe it was hitting a little too close to home.

CHAZ

What?

DENISE

She's your ex.

CHAZ

So?

DENISE

If not for me, she'd still be married to you.

CHAZ

That's preposterous.

DENISE

What she believes.

CHAZ

You've got to be kidding me. That's, that's, delusional.

DENISE

You try telling her that, I can't get through to her at all and believe me, I've tried.

CHAZ

No, no, I refuse for my life to be made a bad soap opera.

DENISE

(laughs)

Well I wouldn't call it that, baby.

CHAZ

I'm, I'm going to take ten. Then I want to see you and Kyle, act one. In costume.

DENISE

Yes, dear.

(he exits stage right)

Man.

(TILLY enters stage right.)

TILLY

Are we —

DENISE

Yes.

TILLY

I did it, I hid the real one.

DENISE

Good.

(starts reel to reel, pushes it out of sight)

I hope this works.

TILLY

Oh god —

DENISE

Just —

(KYLE enters stage left.)

KYLE

Hey. What's up?

DENISE

Oh, Jane had another tizzy.

KYLE

What else is new.

DENISE

He says he wants to run act one, with costumes again.

KYLE

Oh boy. I wish I knew what he was looking for in that scene. I mean I agree with him, it's something, I dunno what.

DENISE

Well, nose to the grindstone.

KYLE

Yeah. I'll go get ready. Wait, is he going all the way to Sheila's entrance?

DENISE

I would assume so.

KYLE

Did Jim fix the knife yet?

DENISE

Dunno.

KYLE

Great.

DENISE

No kidding, and I'm the one who gets it.

KYLE

Yeah.

(exits stage left)

DENISE

I should go too.

TILLY

Listen, when I was hiding the knife I found an old book, a journal, with the stuff from that estate sale. It might have information about that painting. It has a leather cover and something was carved on it, I didn't have time to see what.

DENISE

A journal, interesting. I have to stay focused.

TILLY

Right. Be careful.

DENISE

With him? You're kidding, right?

(exits stage left)

(TILLY exits stage right.

Lights change slightly; a thin, eerie KEEN almost like a song is heard as if from a very great distance.

Lights change back; CHAZ enters stage right.)

CHAZ

Tilly? Denise? Where is everybody?

(JANE enters stage right, a little disheveled and drink in hand.)

JANE

I'm gonna try one more time.

CHAZ

I wish you wouldn't.

JANE

You're right, I should let it go. I should let it all go, poof, gone. Just pretend eight years of marriage never happened.

CHAZ

That's not what I —

JANE

But before I do, I wanna know one thing, just one thing. Is the brownstone, our home, a, a, a movie set? Was our wedding a photo op? Was Cabo a mirage?

CHAZ

You know the answer, stop, please —

JANE

Because if it was all fake, if it was all a lie, a big joke on me and I'm just too stupid to have seen, then why, why do I feel this way?

CHAZ

Jane —

JANE

Why do I feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be? Why? Why did you leave me?

CHAZ

Jane, I'm just not that person anymore.

JANE

You're not that person.

CHAZ

No, I'm not. Can we do this one last show together, please? Then we never have to see each other again.

JANE

You're not you. Then who the fuck are you, huh? If you're not the man I married, if you're not, if you're not the guy I fucked your brains out on that beach in Cabo, if you're not, who —

CHAZ

I think you need to go lie down now —

JANE

If who —

(TILLY enters stage right.)

CHAZ

Tilly, please help —

JANE

If you —

TILLY

C'mon, come with me —

(guides JANE to the doorway)

It'll be alright, you'll see —

JANE

If you're not who you say you are, then you're nobody.

(they exit stage right)

(DENISE enters stage left in costume.)

DENISE

Was that Jane?

CHAZ

Yes. I'm afraid she's not doing well.

DENISE

Yeah. How are you? This can't be easy for you, not and having her here and being like this.

CHAZ

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'd like to do this scene, please.

DENISE

Yes of course, whatever you need from me.

CHAZ

Thank you.

(TILLY re-enters.)

TILLY

She's asleep.

CHAZ

Did you —

TILLY

She drank enough herself, passed out.

CHAZ

Okay. You'll have to stand in for her for this scene, just the end bit with the knife. Can you get it, please? Oh, and can we change that drop back to night?

TILLY

Yes, yes, I'll, gimme a sec —

(exits stage right)

(KYLE enters stage left in costume, a sock hanging off his dick.)

KYLE

Ready.

DENISE

Omigod!

CHAZ

Kyle —

KYLE

What? It's cold in here, I'll take it off for the scene —

DENISE

He's not wrong.

(The night sky drop is flown in behind the upstage window frames.)

CHAZ

It's not the time, Kyle, Jane is —

KYLE

It's my little dick cozy —

CHAZ

Kyle!

KYLE

What?

CHAZ

Jane isn't feeling well, she won't be available for the scene.

KYLE

Oh.

CHAZ

Uh, Tilly will, uh, stand in for her. Where is she?

(TILLY enters stage right.)

TILLY

I can't find the knife.

CHAZ

What?

TILLY

I can't find it, it's not on the prop table, it's not in the closet, it's not in Jane's dressing room.

CHAZ

Well crap.

KYLE

I've got a butter knife, I could go get —

CHAZ

No, that would be farcical. Take that goddamn thing off —

TILLY

What about the real one?

DENISE

The real one?

TILLY

Yeah, the knife from the estate sale.

(to CHAZ)

Do you still have it?

CHAZ

I do, actually. It's in my satchel. Um, I suppose I'll get it.

(climbs down into the audience, returns with the knife)

DENISE

Wow, Jim did such a great job, his looks exactly like that one.

CHAZ

Yes.

(to TILLY)

Here.

TILLY

I'll go set it.

CHAZ

No, let's run the end of the scene.

TILLY

What?

CHAZ

We can take it from the grays and what not.

DENISE

Okay.

KYLE

Uh, yeah.

CHAZ

Just a run-through.

TILLY

Okay.

CHAZ

Everything will be fine, just do what Jane does — safely, not actually stabbing her, of course.

TILLY

Sure, what Jane does. Can I pee first?

CHAZ

(sighs)

Yes.

TILLY

Okay.

(exits with the knife stage right)

DENISE

This'll be great. Hey, can I ask you something, Chaz? This painting, did you ever look at it? I mean, do you see a figure in it?

CHAZ

A figure? No.

DENISE

Nothing?

CHAZ

It's an abstract, you can't see anything in there.

KYLE

(looking)

Wow, I see it.

DENISE

You do?

KYLE

Yeah. Pretty cool.

DENISE

Huh.

KYLE

It's different somehow, I dunno. You see it?

DENISE

I do.

KYLE

Kinda makes me hungry.

DENISE

Everything makes you hungry.

KYLE

True.

TILLY

(pokes her head out stage right)

Okay, ready.

CHAZ

Good.

(climbs down into the audience)

Everyone know where we're at?

(DENISE and KYLE take their places.)

DENISE

Grays only pop up later.

CHAZ

(from audience)

Right. Remember, whatever trouble John and Lydia were having in the bedroom earlier, this is act two. Now, when you're ready.

LYDIA

Everything's simple when you're a kid, black and white. Grays only pop up later.

(sighs)

I wish this divorce was over. I want to get back to living my life.

JOHN

He still won't sign?

LYDIA

No, it's his lawyers, just trying to get every last dime out of him, poor bastard. Makes me restless. And horny.

JOHN

(leans over and kisses her)

Let's see what we can do about that, hmm?

LYDIA

(rises)

You read my mind. See? No dark crevices lurking anywhere, only healthy female —

(he kisses her again, leads her to the open doorway)

Mmmm, I want to do it the Japanese way, like I saw on TV when I was a kid.

JOHN

Oh? Sounds fun. Hang on —

(crosses to get his drink)

LYDIA

We have to start on our knees facing each other and then we —

(TILLY enters stage right with the knife, she waves it around and screams badly then pretend-stabs DENISE/LYDIA.)

DENISE

(laughs)

Sheila!

KYLE

Fall down

(also laughing)

Aw, fuck.

CHAZ

(from audience)

Stop, please, stop.

(climbs onto the stage)

TILLY

I'm sorry, I'm a stage manager.

KYLE

You can say that again. Also that Japanese way line is so wrong.

CHAZ

Tilly, thank you, it's not gonna work.

TILLY

I'm sorry.

CHAZ

It's okay, it's not you —

DENISE

Look, why can't John kill me?

CHAZ

What?

DENISE

Here —

(grabs the knife from TILLY, slaps it in KYLE's hand)

You're plotting with Sheila to kill me, she can enter and it's already done cuz you do it.

KYLE

Uh, I —

CHAZ

I don't think that will work.

DENISE

Can't we try it?

(to KYLE)

C'mon, poke me.

KYLE

Wait, I —

DENISE

Poke me with it, I dare ya.

CHAZ

Denise, don't —

DENISE

Aw, what's gonna happen?

(to KYLE)

C'mon —

(DENISE stumbles against KYLE and screams, he pulls the knife away and blood gushes from her belly and she falls to the floor, dead. TILLY screams.)

KYLE

Omigod!

CHAZ

Stop, no!

(TILLY screams.)

KYLE

I didn't —

CHAZ

Damn you! You weren't supposed to do it yet!

KYLE

I didn't do anything! Don't make me the bad guy, this was all your idea, I saw that look in your eye.

(DENISE giggles, then laughs.)

KYLE

Jesus!

DENISE

Omigod, Heckle and Jeckle.

(sits up, wipes "blood" from her belly)

Ketchup.

(pulls the ketchup bottle from under her kimono)

You were right, works great. Tilly switched knives so we needed some red stuff.

(DENISE rises and pulls out the reel to reel and rewinds a bit, hits play: TILLY's scream blasts through the speakers.)

DENISE

Wow, great pickup.

KYLE

(on tape)

I didn't —

CHAZ

(on tape)

Damn you! You weren't supposed to do it yet!

KYLE

(on tape)

I didn't do anything! Don't make me the bad guy, this was all your idea, I saw that look in your eye.

(DENISE stops the tape.)

DENISE

I plugged the stage mic into the reel to reel. Funny how it all came together. Checkmate.

CHAZ

Denise —

DENISE

A witness, a recording. No corpse. And nothing for you, buddy-boy.

KYLE

Fuck.

CHAZ

Denise, I —

DENISE

Your lawyers' offices, or mine? Also the boys from the precinct station might want to get in on this.

KYLE

Give it up, Chaz.

DENISE

(to CHAZ)

You should listen to him, he just might be the brains in the relationship.

(to TILLY)

Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you.

TILLY

Uh, sure, I guess.

(CHAZ roars and rushes at DENISE, she pivots and points her finger right at his face, he stops cold.)

DENISE

Don't even. I could take you and him in any dark alley and you know it. Besides —

(JANE runs onstage screaming with the knife — the real knife — and plunges it into DENISE's heart. DENISE falls down dead-dead. TILLY screams and runs off stage right, KYLE takes the knife from JANE and tosses it offstage, JANE collapses.)

CHAZ

Denise, Denise —

KYLE

What do we —

CHAZ

Help me!

(CHAZ and KYLE lift DENISE's body to the table.)

CHAZ

No, no, no, no, no —

KYLE

Jesus, you're pathetic.

(exits stage left)

(CHAZ kneels with his head in his hands, sobbing; lights change. A strong WIND blows across the stage and the paintings each drop an anchor point and hang askew. DENISE sits up, an utterly demented expression on her face, she stretches and pops all her joints; CHAZ looks up, astonished.)

CHAZ

Denise —

DENISE/MERMAID

(otherworldly intonation)

Who's, Denise?

(Blackout. CHAZ screams. The WIND builds in intensity then abruptly ceases.

Tight pin spot up on ABEN, mid 30s but looks far older, dressed in poor clothes two hundred years out of date, seated downstage on a stool before a high, small bench used as a writing table. A dim green wash brings out previously unseen darkened streaks in the carpeting and cushions of the conversation pit, and creates the effect of moldy old stone. ABEN opens a leather bound journal, writes.)

ABEN

(thick Irish accent)

I've hung the lantern from the joist, and come down here to the cellar so as to not disturb Colleen and the child. Bless her, I cannot speak to her of this, but I must get it out or go mad. I have found a mermaid and, Lord help me, I've kept it! I should do this proper, I will record the date here, today is the fifth day of August, eighteen hundred and three. My name is Aben Finn, I live here on the coast with my wife and wee one. This morning, oh she was being such a fuss, Colleen was having the time settling her, my chores were finished so I grabbed my pipe and went walking. I went down to the shore, it was a very low tide, the lowest I've seen. I could walk all the way out to the wicked rocks, which were mostly exposed when all the year long they are mostly hidden under the waves and try to crack your hull if you're not careful. There was a high fog, turning the sky golden.

(ABEN pauses and turns suddenly as if he's heard something. After a moment he continues.)

ABEN

I was watching my feet, so I wouldn't slip or step in a crack, and there she was. I was a tree, just staring at her. The top half was girl, the bottom half, it was like a long, chubby seal. Her skin was ruddy brown and the same from head to tail. Long and black was her hair, and all swirled into a mop around her head and hiding her face from me. She was half-turned on her side and I could see her chest going in and out, little breaths barely enough to keep a mouse. I looked all around but there was no one, no ship, and when I looked back she was staring up at me, and those eyes, so big and brown and full of hurt. She held an arm up to me, slow, so slow like it was the last strength she had. I didn't think, I bent and picked her up, I knew she must be heavy but I carried her easy, and her tail curled around my waist as I walked. She smelled of seaweed and crabs and all the dead things you find along the sand, but I didn't care. I took her along the beach to Cutter's Point, I knew the tunnel in the rocks there would lead me to a wide pool trapped underneath, with a fissure deep down that connected it to the sea. The pool was low with the tide, and I hitched my way down to the water's edge and lay her there. She looked up at me again, and those eyes, I dunno what they were saying but it didn't seem to me to be a bad thing. I could see more of her face as the cave was open to the sky at the near end and her hair had fallen away from it. She was so beautiful, like an angel, her face was. An angel. I decided then to keep her there. I went back to the house, Colleen said I stank of rotten fish so I told her I fell in, I'm sorry for the lie, I am, but I cannot ever tell her the truth, I cannot. I need to take the maid food.

(ABEN pauses; a far KEEN is heard, like a baby's cry. ABEN continues.)

ABEN

August the ninth. She eats everything I bring, her hunger is bottomless, she likes the fish and crab I bring her best. I sneak off to the pool when I can, she swims more freely now, whatever injury she had incurred has gone. But she has not left. I believe she could if she wanted to, through the fissure or through the tunnel, as a seal would on land. She looks at me with no expression, her face never changes, but her eyes tell me everything. They tell me the world.

(The baby-cry KEEN is heard again.)

ABEN

(agitated)

The twelfth, twelfth of August today. Colleen has left me, taken the child and gone to her mother's. I don't blame her, everything is going so fast. Two days ago I went to the maid. She ate the fish I brought her, then instead of a swim she sat and looked at me, and looked and looked. I felt queasy, her eyes seemed to enlarge, so big. I looked down and her sex was out like a big pink flower, it protruded so. She reached for me, and I could not resist her. Being inside her, it was cold and hot all at the same time. Lord help me, she's called and I've gone back to her countless times since then, Colleen thinks it's a harlot in the village but she also doesn't, she's scared. The maid is getting stronger, I can feel it, as if she gains strength from me as I come to her.

(ABEN pauses; the KEEN is heard again, stronger.)

ABEN

August the fifteenth. I've gone to her and gone to her, yet she still wants more from me. And, oh God, I want her so. She has become violent in her pleasure, my left arm will not stop tingling from her grasp. My very bones feel weak from it, the constant —

(a strong KEEN is heard, long and startlingly violent)

Sweet Jesus, am I to die?

(ABEN cramps over as if in pain.)

ABEN

I now know this is wrong. The priest came to see me, told me my soul was all but damned for eternity. He prayed over me, he saw the painting I did in a rush the other day, called it the Devil's work. I believe him, yet I cannot not go to her.

(brings the knife from under his coat)

I have also fashioned this, I put all my skill, my very self into it. I can barely walk, my hip feels broken. But I will go to her one last time. I'll plunge this into her evil breast, and may it do to her what she has done to me and never, ever be undone.

(a loud KEEN is heard, closer)

Yes, yes, I'm coming, my love. But this is the last time, the last time —

(carves into the cover of the journal)

I will leave this here if anyone can find it, The Curse of the Mermaid's Heart. I'm coming, I'm —

(ABEN rises — and bumps the table and it falls over.)

ABEN/KYLE

(no accent)

Shit!

FEMALE VOICE

(from audience)

Oh stop, please. Lights-!

(General lights up on the stage. DENISE jumps up onto the stage from the audience, she is smartly and comfortably dressed if a bit more edgy-looking than before.)

KYLE

Goddamnit, I'm so sorry.

DENISE

It's okay Kyle, that was wonderful.

KYLE

Really?

DENISE

Absolutely. The accent is still —

KYLE

I know, I'm sorry, I'll get it down, I will.

DENISE

I know you will.

(kisses him)

You should go take ten.

KYLE

Okay.

(exits stage left)

DENISE

Tilly, you there?

(TILLY enters stage right.)

TILLY

Yes, hi, I'm here.

DENISE

Any word yet when we get our set? This is getting problematic.

TILLY

Oh, uh, no but Peter's working on it —

(PETER enters stage right.)

DENISE

There you are.

PETER

Sorry, I was held up. How'd it go?

DENISE

Wonderful, who knew Kyle had it in him.

PETER

That's, that's great, glad to hear it.

DENISE

Now, about that set strike —

PETER

Oh god, I know, I know, I had a crew come in yesterday, they lasted ten minutes, claimed the place was haunted somehow —

DENISE

Haunted? How odd.

PETER

I know, I'm sorry, I'll get another crew in, no later than tomorrow.

DENISE

That would be perfect, thank you Peter.

PETER

Yes, of course, anything I can do for you. I'll just be —

DENISE

Yes.

(PETER exits stage right.)

DENISE

(to TILLY)

What's wrong?

TILLY

You kissed him.

DENISE

Just a friendly peck.

TILLY

You kissed him.

DENISE

I'll always have you in my heart.

TILLY

Mmmm. Weird how Chaz just disappeared, Jane too.

DENISE

Yes, weird. Want to get something to eat later, oysters again?

TILLY

Sure. This mermaid story is so interesting, I'm excited to see what happens next.

DENISE

Me too.

TILLY

What? I thought you were the playwright.

DENISE

I am. But you know with these works in progress, I guess one could say I'm making it up as I go.

TILLY

Wow, that's so rad.

DENISE

It is. Although I'm pretty sure someone dies in act two.

(Blackout.

Curtain.)