THE NAKED QUEEN KILLS FROM THE GRAVE

Copyright © Jason Ferté

(A spotlight hits a naked and blood-spattered YOUNG WOMAN lying still as death on the floor.

Lights up on the library of the MARQUESA's medieval Spanish villa: big windows, big bookcases but early 1970s knickknacks everywhere. CHARACTERS step forward and say their opening lines.)

REGGIE

A body.

VANESSA

Lying on the floor, still as death, blood everywhere.

TOBY

The villa is quiet in the moonlight.

RICHARD

The door is locked, the windows latched.

MARQUESA

We are on the villa's top floor.

SALLY

No way in, no way out.

VANESSA

Have a drink.

REGGIE

The Marquesa's reputation is untouchable —

TOBY

Unlike the Marquesa.

MARQUESA

The servants were let go days before, leaving only —

RICHARD

The guests.

SALLY

And the Marquesa!

MARQUESA

Tch!

CARL (offstage)

Cut!

(Blackout.

Okay, taking a moment for a few words about the CHARACTERS:

The MARQUESA De LOPEZ, former cabaret dancer and married to the Marques de Lopez ten years previously, suddenly widowed nine years previously and loving life fully since then, including occasionally sleeping with:

REGGIE FINLEY, director of grindhouse classics Your Panties, My Knife and Vampire's Scream and Sex Nights At The Circus, directing his current film in the MARQUESA's villa, starring:

VANESSA HOUSTON, ex-porn queen and FINLEY's usual leading lady and sometimes mistress, co-starring — again — with:

TOBY BANNERMAN, blacklisted gay actor slumming it in Spain and hating everyone and everything, not excluding:

RICHARD BALFOUR, producer of FINLEY's films when he can climb out of his bottle of single-malt Scotch, usually pulled therefrom by:

SALLY WHITTAKER, FINLEY's script girl and perennially happy to be thrown the occasional bone by, well, anybody, and not so secretly pining after:

CARL WOODS, FINLEY's loyal cameraman and rumored to be why FINLEY's movies are even halfway watchable. So:

Lights up as before — early evening, from the purpled sky seen through the windows — on the naked YOUNG WOMAN lying still as death on the floor. Suddenly she stretches as if waking from a long sleep. Oh yeah, there's also:

GISELLE D'ARCY, FINLEY's newest starlet find and ingenuous earthchild perfectly okay with being naked, covered in blood, fucked by the producer, etc.

And, it is 1972.

CARL enters with a ladder, he climbs up and down to things.)

GISELLE

Oh, I think I fell asleep a little.

CARL

Maybe that's why this was your best take.

GISELLE

Mmmm. You don't want to do another one?

CARL

Out of film. Well, two feet left in the can. The last one'll print.

GISELLE

(rolling towards him and giving him an eyeful)

C'mon, Carl, make me famous!

CARL

Finley would have my balls in a sling, you know by now how he is about stock.

GISELLE

If it's so darn important then why isn't he here?

CARL

I dunno, under the weather I guess.

GISELLE

(giggles)

He's under something alright, or someone.

CARL

I wouldn't know about that.

GISELLE

Oh you would too! He's giving Vanessa her before-cocktails schtupping, I bet.

CARL

That's none of my business. Yours either.

GISELLE

What else is there to do in this godforsaken place except gossip about, well, about who's doing it to —

CARL

Not news to anybody, baby. You should find yourself a different hobby.

GISELLE

I would, but you're not interested.

CARL

I have one rule.

GISELLE

No fucking the talent?

(RICHARD enters unobserved.)

CARL

Not when the talent is fucking the producer.

GISELLE

Oh my God, you could hardly call it that. Most days he can't even get it up much less find the hole.

CARL

I kinda don't need to know that about the guy who signs my paychecks.

GISELLE

Calling him dysfunctional is being very nice.

CARL

You have some claws on you, kitten.

GISELLE

For what good it does me.

RICHARD

It speaks to your eloquence quite eloquently.

(toasts her)

Here's to you, my dear.

(exits)

GISELLE

Oh crap!

(calling after him)

Snookums!

(exits)

(TOBY enters, watches the semi-naked and blood-smeared GISELLE running offstage.)

TOBY

If there was ever a reason.

CARL

Anyone ever tell you you're disgusting?

TOBY

I'm sure you have.

(The MARQUESA enters.)

MARQUESA

Where is Reggie?

TOBY

I haven't seen him, have you Mr. Cameraman?

CARL

Not since lunch.

MARQUESA

Well I need him, where is he?

(SALLY enters.)

SALLY

(out of breath)

Where's Reggie?

TOBY

We're not too sure, sweetie, have you checked the bedrooms? All of the bedrooms?

(The MARQUESA says something nasty in Spanish.)

SALLY

That doesn't sound nice. Carl?

CARL

I haven't seen him since around two, sorry.

SALLY

Darnit! I need to know what he wants to shoot next, the pages I have left, they don't make a lot of sense.

TOBY

Oh thank God. For a minute there I thought I was in the wrong movie.

(REGGIE enters with a bottle of wine, followed by VANESSA.)

REGGIE

Did I miss anything?

MARQUESA

Reggie! This is impossible, where have you been?

REGGIE

Going over Vanessa's scene with her, I told you earlier.

VANESSA

(to SALLY)

Honey, have you seen my blonde wig?

SALLY

(to REGGIE)

What do you want to shoot next?

REGGIE

Haven't decided.

(to CARL)

You get that shot of Giselle on the floor?

CARL

Mm-hmm. Two feet left.

REGGIE

Two feet? Jesus.

TOBY

Is that a wrap then?

MARQUESA

A wrap?

REGGIE

(to TOBY)

No.

(to SALLY)

I'm gonna need that typewriter again, put it in the study, pumpkin.

SALLY

Right.

(exits)

REGGIE

And paper too!

(to VANESSA)

Where'd your glass go? Carl, get her a glass, Toby's got a glass, she should have a glass, a wine glass, with a nice long stem.

MARQUESA

Reggie! This must stop.

REGGIE

What must?

MARQUESA

You ignore me. Me! You spend all day shooting things that don't make any sense, then you disappear and you show up with her.

TOBY

And to think he's made a career of it.

REGGIE

Can you please? You're not helping.

(to CARL)

Carl, would you?

CARL

Yeah.

(exits with ladder)

VANESSA

(to the MARQUESA)

I don't know what you're going on about, it's called work, you should try it sometime.

REGGIE

You too, dammit.

MARQUESA

(to VANESSA)

You mean on your back?

TOBY

(to REGGIE)

Give up.

VANESSA

(to the MARQUESA)

If you weren't so jealous I'd try giving you some friendly advice.

MARQUESA

Advice on how to spread my legs I do not need.

VANESSA

You know, that's exactly what I heard.

(The MARQUESA exits muttering obscenities in Spanish.)

TOBY

My my my, that doesn't sound very nice either.

REGGIE

Cork it, Toby.

(to VANESSA)

Pet, did you have to take her off at the knees like that, did you?

VANESSA

Oh c'mon, Reggie, she was asking for it.

REGGIE

Vanessa.

VANESSA

I don't know what her problem is but she'd better watch herself around me.

TOBY

Tie-dye that on a t-shirt, love.

VANESSA

(to REGGIE)

Can we do without the running commentary from him?

REGGIE

You know as well as I how he is.

TOBY

And I'm not too good for much else.

VANESSA

Stuff a, ooooh —

(grabs the bottle from REGGIE and drinks)

REGGIE

Okay okay you two, listen. We're out of film and we're out of pages, at least for the time being, Jesus I'm really starting to hate this house. But, since there's nothing for it I'm going to have to do a little rallying of the troops, and —

(to VANESSA)

Give me that back, love, yes, thank you.

(grabs the wine bottle)

And, I would so appreciate some solidarity, alright, yes? Can do?

TOBY

As ever, Reggie, your powers of persuasion completely sway me.

VANESSA

I know, the original sweet-talking devil, ain't he?

(to REGGIE)

Do we have a choice?

REGGIE

No, not till next week and the car shows up, we're stuck in this mausoleum. And thank you, thank you both, you're not my A-team for nothing.

TOBY

As far as I know we're your only team.

REGGIE

Exactly. So why don't we crack open the wine cellar, get some more glasses and bread and cheese and nuts or something up here, something yummy, and maybe a Ouija board or a deck of Tarot cards or something, and try and relax for a bit, make nice with the native population of one, hmmm, not too much to ask, is it?

VANESSA

It is if she comes with fangs, bat wings and a cape.

TOBY

You've seen her vagina? How sad. I'll get the glasses.

(exits)

(SALLY enters.)

SALLY

Typewriter, check. But I could only find about twenty or so sheets of typewriter paper.

REGGIE

Super, kitten. Okay, next thing I need for you to do is go down and raid the kitchen, we need bread, cheese, fruit, maybe some grapes, pickles, anything you can find for a picnic.

SALLY

A picnic? Now?

REGGIE

Absolutely. Right now, right here in this very room. I mean don't you think it has the right ambience for an early evening noshy fest?

SALLY

I guess so?

REGGIE

Sure you do, muffin.

(pats her on the butt)

Scoot scoot.

SALLY

Muffin?

(exits)

(The MARQUESA enters.)

MARQUESA

Reggie!

VANESSA

I'm going to go change.

(exits)

REGGIE

(to MARQUESA, absently rubbing her shoulder)

Yes, my love?

MARQUESA

Ooooooh Reggie, Reggie, it feels so good when you touch me like that.

REGGIE

Does it? Look darling, do you have anything like a spooky bible or a cursed bear trap or something, we need a good old fashioned séance to cheer up the troops.

MARQUESA

A what?

REGGIE

Picture cards, haunted hatchet, maybe?

MARQUESA

Ah!

(grabs a small wooden box from a bookcase shelf)

Here. The Naked Queen, it's a game for the children from, oh, a very long time ago.

REGGIE

(taking cards from the box)

The Naked Queen? A child's game, is it? These are, um, pretty educational, alright.

(ogling another card)

And gory!

MARQUESA

Like everything here it was my husband's, an heirloom, some sort of family legend about a woman scorned and then buried alive.

REGGIE

You know cupcake, I've always wondered, how do they ever figure out if someone was buried alive? Do they dig them out at some point and the poor sod sits up and says, Not dead yet, you assholes!

MARQUESA

I have no idea, my love. I only care about live, living, warm men.

REGGIE

Well maybe we can ask her.

MARQUESA

Her? Her who?

REGGIE

The Naked Queen, if we do it right and she comes back to ghost us.

(RICHARD enters with GISELLE, now clothed.)

REGGIE

Richard. Get you more wet for your whistle?

RICHARD

Not necessary, found the hole, thanks.

(GISELLE giggles to herself.)

REGGIE

We still solvent?

RICHARD

The Germans want to know when we're done on location, the Italians want the deposit on the sound studio, and the Americans, bless ‘em, want to know when we're done.

REGGIE

God bless 'em.

RICHARD

And the Spaniards, well, they just want to know how many boob shots they need to charge us for.

MARQUESA

Boob shots?

REGGIE

What?

RICHARD

Yes, apparently they charge by the nipple. Who knew. How many do I say?

REGGIE

Hell, I don't know. Cumulative, or each individually?

RICHARD

I dunno, I'll ask.

MARQUESA

Nipples?

REGGIE

Don't worry about it, my dumpling, you don't have any.

(GISELLE giggles.)

MARQUESA

Okey. Wait, you say what?

REGGIE

No boob shots for you, sugar plum, you're not in the film.

RICHARD

(to GISELLE)

Anything amuses you, doesn't it, pet?

GISELLE

Well if it's naughty, sure.

(CARL and SALLY enter carrying food and glasses and napkins and things, followed by TOBY carrying only his drink.)

SALLY

One picnic!

REGGIE

Oh excellent, that's fabulous, hon.

SALLY

You name it, I can do it.

REGGIE

I know you can, kiddo.

(SALLY makes a face. CARL helps her set out the food and plates and stuff on the floor, GISELLE crawls around and helps them.)

REGGIE

(to TOBY)

I thought you were getting the glasses?

TOBY

The better man won.

RICHARD

That must get old for you.

REGGIE

So how do the Spanish feel about cock? Toby, ever wanted yours up on the big screen, twenty feet long, hmmm?

(RICHARD turns away disgustedly, the MARCHESA eyes him up and down. TOBY mouths “Thank you” to REGGIE.

VANESSA enters looking absolutely gorgeous.)

REGGIE

Darling.

(fills a wine glass for her)

VANESSA

Thank you.

REGGIE

We were just discussing Toby's twenty foot cock.

VANESSA

(to TOBY)

Jesus, you've been holding out me!

TOBY

Ha fucking ha.

GISELLE

(giggles)

Yeah, how do I get a piece of that action?

REGGIE

Okay now everybody, come on and sit down here and grab some grub. It's picnic style so just dig in.

CARL

Looks tasty.

RICHARD

Any objection to a chair or two?

(GISELLE giggles.)

RICHARD

Now why does that amuse you?

MARQUESA

Oh yes, a chair, please.

GISELLE

(to RICHARD)

You don't look like a chair, silly.

REGGIE

Where's the —

(to SALLY)

Baby, where'd that box get to?

SALLY

Aargh!! Now you listen to me, mister. I am not a muffin, a dumpling, a cupcake, or a fritter. I am not a pumpkin. I am not a cumquat, a zucchini or a banana. I am not your honey pot, I am not your most dear, and I am not your precious darling. And these —

(pulls her top up)

Are not your peaches!

GISELLE

(pulls her top up)

Yeah, rock on!

VANESSA

(flashes a breast)

Yes, here you go, love.

MARQUESA

Bah! Disgraceful!

TOBY

God I adore this decade.

REGGIE

Ladies ladies, please.

(to SALLY)

Sorry ba—um, sorry, sorry. Enough? Can we? Thank you.

(hands out the cards)

Look, this is some sort of game, the Naked Queen it's called, I think.

RICHARD

Get these in Bangkok, did you?

REGGIE

No, they're —

MARQUESA

(to RICHARD)

They came with the house, they are nothing.

GISELLE

Oh wow, this one's really gross!

REGGIE

Yes, they're —

VANESSA

(snorts)

Well mine's sort of instructional.

TOBY

(looks)

I once did that on a ping pong table. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

(to CARL)

Look, you think you could film that?

CARL

With the right angle, the right lens, sure.

REGGIE

Wait wait, we need some rules for this, last one with the Naughty Queen wins? Let's see —

(Stage lights dim: EVERYONE mimes playing the card game except SALLY, in pinspot.)

SALLY (V.O.)

I wish Reggie wasn't such a male chauvinist pig. I wish I wasn't such a pushover. I wish I had bigger boobs. Who am I kidding, Carl wouldn't be interested in me no matter what size my boobs were. Sigh.

(The card game continues: EVERYONE has a card hidden from the others. Pinspot shifts to CARL.)

CARL (V.O.)

Gotta talk to Reggie about the lighting, pretty sure he doesn't want his leading lady with crow's feet.

(Pinspot shifts to VANESSA.)

VANESSA (V.O.)

I've gotta talk to Carl, he really needs to bump up that fill light or I'm gonna look like a friggin' mummy. Damn but Reggie is looking good tonight.

(The card game continues: SOME show their cards and are out of the game. Pinspot shifts to RICHARD.)

RICHARD (V.O.)

I wonder if I shut this thing down now, with the insurance settlement, would I break even? How much of a loss, uh, oh, Toby has just the most perfect hair.

(Pinspot shifts to TOBY.)

TOBY (V.O.)

Richard needs to stuff a sock in it, I've about had it with his little digs and I don't care how much money he's got. Wait a sec, was he giving me the eye just now?

(The card game continues: GISELLE and SALLY have the last two cards to play. Pinspot shifts to the MARQUESA, she says something in Spanish in voice-over. Pinspot shifts to REGGIE.)

REGGIE (V.O.)

Fuck, how am I gonna get it up enough to do the Marquesa tonight? Also this movie needs another lesbian or two.

(SALLY plays her card, GISELLE “wins.” EVERYONE begins to pack up the picnic things and exit. Pinspot shifts to GISELLE.)

GISELLE (V.O.)

God I don't know what I'm doing here. Why did I agree to do this stupid film? The money, sure, wow. At least I got to see Spain, some of it, sort of. I wish these dreams would stop.

(drops her card and exits)

(Lights back up: only CARL and SALLY are left onstage, they clean up the last picnic things.)

SALLY

I guess that went okay, or whatever.

CARL

Yeah, it did.

SALLY

Wonder what he's gonna have us do tomorrow, field trip to nowhere?

CARL

I dunno, we've shot everything we can shoot unless he wants to do more make-out scenes.

SALLY

Swell. That would be just great.

(gathers up some dishes)

I'm gonna take these down to the kitchen then go to bed, read a book or something, maybe listen to some music.

CARL

Okay, have a nice night.

SALLY

Yeah, you too.

(exits)

(CARL gathers up some things and exits.

Lights dim except for a spotlight center: SONJA enters and steps into the light — impossibly beautiful and über-fashionably dressed, SONJA looks like a drugged out movie star at Cannes hoping to dodge reporters. She looks around uncertainly, picks up a card left on the floor.

CARL enters.)

CARL

Oh, hello, can I help you?

(no response)

Are you a friend of the Marquesa's?

(no response)

Um, should I-?

(SONJA crosses to CARL and kisses him.)

CARL

(breaking the kiss)

Wow.

(SONJA smiles. She thrusts her hand into his chest and rips out his heart, drops it on the floor. CARL falls over dead. SONJA stares at the blood on her hand, licks it. Blackout.

The next morning. Lights up on TOBY lying still as death on the floor. He arches into a yoga pose, breathes.

GISELLE enters.)

GISELLE

Hey, have you seen Sally around?

TOBY

Nope.

GISELLE

(turns to go)

Okay.

TOBY

Jeez, don't I even rate a Good morning?

GISELLE

Good morning.

TOBY

I'm not toxic dear, despite what filth anybody may have told you.

GISELLE

Okay.

TOBY

Yeah.

(GISELLE turns to go again.)

TOBY

Oh, good morning.

(GISELLE makes a face and exits.

VANESSA enters wearing dark glasses and carrying a big glass of water, she and TOBY exchange glances.)

VANESSA

Shut up.

TOBY

Not saying nothing. You really look like shit.

VANESSA

Thanks.

TOBY

That can't all be Reggie's doing, I know the man.

VANESSA

I did this to myself, thank you very much.

TOBY

Alcohol is a terrible substitute, love.

(VANESSA hrumphs.)

TOBY

Too many bedrooms, not enough cock?

VANESSA

Something like that.

TOBY

Poor you.

VANESSA

Toby, you can be such an ass sometimes.

TOBY

Ah, the story of my life, sorry. My problem right now is your problem — umph!

(VANESSA snorts.)

TOBY

You should try this yoga, it can be, well, distracting at least. Better for the complexion, too.

VANESSA

That's why I have Carl, to make me look ten years younger, or thereabouts. Where the hell is he, anyway?

TOBY

I dunno, everybody seems to be looking for everyone this morning. The only person I haven't seen looking for —

(SALLY enters.)

SALLY

Where's Reggie?

VANESSA

Right on cue.

TOBY

(to SALLY)

Dunno, ducky.

SALLY

What about Carl?

TOBY

Haven't seen him either.

SALLY

Well shit!

VANESSA

(spits water)

Oh hon! Don't do that to me.

SALLY

Sorry. I just don't know what we're supposed to do today.

TOBY

That's okay, easybake, why don't you take a load off and join me in flexing your gluteus maximus.

VANESSA

Or relax, and have a drink with me.

SALLY

No thanks.

VANESSA

Do you good.

SALLY

That's okay.

(The MARQUESA enters.)

MARQUESA

Tch, I thought you were all done filming in here.

TOBY

Oh we are, except for the wild yoga sex orgy scene.

(SONJA enters.)

MARQUESA

Dios mío it's another one!

SONJA

(thick accent)

Hello.

SALLY

Uh, hi, can I help you?

SONJA

(offering script pages)

These are from Jeffrey.

SALLY

The scriptwriter?

(RICHARD enters.)

TOBY

Really? Any new scenes with me in it?

VANESSA

Oh give it a rest. Wait, is there a scene for me?

RICHARD

Is there a scene for you where?

(to SONJA)

Hello.

SONJA

Hello.

RICHARD

I'm Richard. Get you a drink?

SONJA

No, thank you.

MARQUESA

Yes please, is that with vodka?

SALLY

(to SONJA)

Jeffrey wrote these pages?

SONJA

Yes.

SALLY

Huh.

RICHARD

(to SONJA)

And are you a writer too, my dear?

SONJA

No. My name is Sonja, I am the new actor.

RICHARD

New actor? Why wasn't I told of this?

SONJA

I am telling you now.

RICHARD

But darling, it's my picture, and I do all the hiring on it. For that matter I do all the firing on it, not you, not anyone else.

SONJA

I know, I am sorry. Um, Jeffrey, he wrote a new character to be in the film, he decided I should be it.

RICHARD

He decided?

SONJA

No, I am sorry, he thought it, and he thought you would approve.

RICHARD

He did, did he.

VANESSA

Damn, nothing for me.

RICHARD

(to SONJA)

Does Reggie know about this?

SONJA

No, not yet, it is new character.

TOBY

How do you know Jeffrey, love?

SONJA

Oh, I am in a film that he saw, it is Swedish.

VANESSA

Are you Swedish?

SONJA

No, I am from Finland.

VANESSA

Really.

SALLY

I dunno, I'm gonna have to go over all this with Reggie, I just —

(REGGIE and GISELLE enter.)

REGGIE

Where the hell is Carl, anyone seen him?

SALLY

Reggie, there you are —

REGGIE

(to SONJA)

Hello.

SONJA

Hello.

(Lights dim except for spotlights on GISELLE and SONJA.)

GISELLE (V.O.)

Oh my God, it's her! The woman from my dreams.

(SONJA crosses to GISELLE and caresses her.)

SONJA (V.O.)

No my child, I am not from your dreams, I am you.

GISELLE (V.O.)

You're me? Wait, how can you be me?

SONJA (V.O.)

I am your feelings, your emotions, I am inside you.

GISELLE (V.O.)

Oh Jesus. Wait, stop —

SONJA (V.O.)

I am everything you feel, everything you want to be, everything, your secret desires —

GISELLE (V.O.)

No!

SONJA (V.O.)

Yes, yes my love, I am your boundless passion, your fever, your illness and your cure.

GISELLE

No no no!

(collapses)

(Lights back up.)

TOBY

Hey!

(VANESSA runs to GISELLE.)

VANESSA

(to SONJA)

Get away from her!

SONJA

I am sorry, I don't —

RICHARD

Is she —

GISELLE

Ooooh —

VANESSA

I said get away from her!

GISELLE

I'm okay.

SONJA

I apologize, I mean nothing.

REGGIE

What's going on?

SALLY

She did something —

GISELLE

I'm okay, I'm fine, really.

SONJA

I did nothing.

MARQUESA

You people, you are all the same, drama drama drama, all the fucking time.

REGGIE

Alright alright, everyone's fine, everyone's okay now. Vanessa, would you —

VANESSA

(to GISELLE)

Come on, baby.

GISELLE

Wait, I gotta —

VANESSA

It's okay, c'mon.

(VANESSA helps GISELLE to exit.)

TOBY

I'm just gonna —

(exits)

REGGIE

So, everything's fine now, yes? Okay. And um, who are you, love?

SALLY

Sonja something, Jeffrey wrote her a part in the film, here's the pages he sent with her.

REGGIE

(takes pages)

He wrote who what?

RICHARD

Sounds perfectly acceptable to me, Reggie.

(to SONJA)

Sure I can't get you something, an apéritif perhaps?

SONJA

No, thank you.

REGGIE

Well these are all neatly typed, and they do feature a new, uh, dream character, named Carlotta.

(to SONJA)

And that's you.

SONJA

Yes. Jeffrey told me to tell you to try me first, before you decide against me.

REGGIE

He told you that, did he. And you've read these scenes, you're alright with being naked and covered in blood and filth and all?

SONJA

I am Finnish.

REGGIE

Ah, that's what that accent is.

SALLY

She's been in Swedish movies.

REGGIE

Mmm. Well let's do a screen test, where's Carl?

SALLY

Been trying to find him.

REGGIE

Well find him. And if you can't, just rig something up, strong key light, a little fill, we can do it in here and let in some of that natural light, should do the trick.

SALLY

Yeah, alright, can do.

(exits)

MARQUESA

Reggie, I must speak with you.

REGGIE

Not now, liebchen, I have to do a screen test with, um, Sandra here.

MARQUESA

Tch! Her name is Sonja something. But Reggie, I need to speak with you about tonight.

REGGIE

Later, baby, later.

MARQUESA

Ooh!

(exits muttering in Spanish)

RICHARD

(to REGGIE)

Do you need me for this?

REGGIE

Hmm? Oh I don't know, if you're alright adding another contract, just seeing how she looks for the camera here, run a little dialogue, you know.

RICHARD

Well, if you think that's the wise choice, I trust your judgement implicitly.

(exits after the MARQUESA)

REGGIE

Of course you do. Now then —

(SALLY enters.)

SALLY

Can't find Carl anywhere, it's really strange.

REGGIE

Okay okay, let's set this up.

(to SONJA)

Can you do a screen test for me?

SONJA

(disrobes)

Of course.

REGGIE

Ah. Good good.

(to SALLY)

Can we just get the —

SALLY

(moving around doing the things)

Alright, yes, I'm getting it —

REGGIE

And a little bit more with the, yes, good good.

(Lights change: in tableau, REGGIE “frames” SONJA through his hands as SALLY looks on disapprovingly. Blackout.

Lights up as before: in tableau again, REGGIE examines the way the light falls on SONJA's breast, SALLY is turned away in disgust. Blackout.

Lights up as before: REGGIE and SONJA kiss in tableau, SALLY has exited. Blackout.

Lights up as before: in tableau, REGGIE bends SONJA over the back of a chair. Blackout.

Lights up as before: in tableau, SONJA straddles a shirtless REGGIE on the floor. Blackout.

Lights up as before: SONJA stands to one side in tableau looking at a passed out on the floor and idiotically grinning REGGIE. Blackout.

Later that evening. Lights up on TOBY going over his new lines.

RICHARD enters.)

RICHARD

Marquesa dear — oh.

(TOBY and RICHARD hold a look, RICHARD motions “after you” and TOBY exits followed closely by RICHARD.

SALLY enters with a book, she reads.

GISELLE enters.)

GISELLE

Hi.

SALLY

Don't know where Reggie is, Toby's finally fucking the producer, sorry. Vanessa is passed out drunk, still don't know where Carl is, and the Marquesa is eating cheesecake and drinking Schnapps in the servant's kitchen.

GISELLE

Mmm. What about the new girl, what's her name, Sonja?

SALLY

Like I said, don't know where Reggie is.

GISELLE

Good.

SALLY

Why good? Your paycheck and your career are off fucking other people.

GISELLE

Sally, I think I'm done with this trip.

SALLY

You mean the film? Oh.

GISELLE

Yeah. And I know it must be weird me coming to you like this, cuz —

SALLY

I don't even know you.

GISELLE

Yeah, we've never really talked at all.

SALLY

No.

GISELLE

No.

SALLY

Why now?

GISELLE

Well, you always take care of everything, and everybody, I thought maybe you could take care of me.

SALLY

What? Oh. You mean, take care of take care of.

GISELLE

Mm-hmm. I think I do.

SALLY

Uh, I uh —

(GISELLE and SALLY kiss.)

SALLY

Wow.

GISELLE

Mmmm.

SALLY

(laughs)

I feel like I'm in some cheap exploitation movie.

GISELLE

… that bad?

SALLY

No.

GISELLE

I'm glad you think so.

(The MARQUESA enters with a Schnapps bottle.)

MARQUESA

So here's the party.

SALLY

Haven't seen Richard, haven't seen Reggie.

MARQUESA

Tch, fuck 'em.

(laughs)

GISELLE

What's so funny?

MARQUESA

You have! So have I!

GISELLE

(laughs)

Oh my God!

MARQUESA

I know, can you believe it? Ah well, sins of the flesh and all that. Drink?

GISELLE

Why thank you, I will.

(drinks)

Sally?

SALLY

Okay I guess.

(drinks)

GISELLE

Right on.

SALLY

Oh shit, what is this?

MARQUESA

(takes bottle)

It is Schnapps, the only good thing to come from Germany. Except Klaus Kinski.

SALLY

The actor?

MARQUESA

Yes yes, a wonderful actor, he was here last summer making a film here, he was wonderful, he really knows how to get into his pants.

GISELLE

His pants?

MARQUESA

What?

(laughs)

Oh my God, oh dear, I said pants! He knows how to get into my pants!

SALLY

Wait, he got into your pants?

MARQUESA

What? How did you know that? Oh wait, I said it!

(laughs)

He did! He got into my pants!

GISELLE

You are so drunk!

MARQUESA

Only because you have not drunk enough. Here here here, drink.

GISELLE

(takes bottle)

I thank you, kind miss.

MARQUESA

Tch, it's nothing. I have crates of it in the cellar, I made the Marquis buy me all the Schnapps before I pushed him from the tower window.

SALLY

Really? You pushed him?

MARQUESA

Of course. It's okay, it's the family curse, the Naked Queen commands it so I do it.

SALLY

Wow.

MARQUESA

It's not so special. Klaus Kinski, he killed somebody in Genoa, the Pope hushed it up. It's true, he did it, it was a jealous lover. No, the lover of a jealous lover. No, do you —

SALLY

I get it, I get it.

MARQUESA

Okay, good good.

GISELLE

What do you mean, the Naked Queen commanded you?

MARQUESA

The Naked Queen, she comes to me in dreams, she says to me what I must do so I do it. With a shovel.

GISELLE

Oh fuck!

SALLY

What?

MARQUESA

She is me and I am she, in my dreams she says it.

GISELLE

No!!

SALLY

(runs to GISELLE)

Hey! No it's okay, it's okay, c'mon, it's okay, that's it, come on now, it'll be alright.

GISELLE

What, what? Okay, I'm okay. Hey, I'm glad it's you helping me this time.

SALLY

Yeah. C'mon.

(SALLY and GISELLE exit.)

MARQUESA

Crazy kids.

(SONJA enters.)

MARQUESA

Ah! I know you, you are the Naked Queen of my dreams. I know it, I know you are. Why? Why do you do this? You are dead, yes? So why do you not stay dead?

SONJA

Is that Schnapps?

(The MARQUESA offers the bottle, SONJA takes it and drinks a lot of it.)

MARQUESA

Jesus!

SONJA

It is good, I can barely taste it but it is good.

MARQUESA

So why you gotta be a bitch and kill people?

SONJA

It is not a choice I make, you understand? I am cursed.

MARQUESA

Cursed? What, like with warts, like this?

SONJA

What? No. I am very old.

(Lights shift, we see bits of SONJA's story in the windows as a shadow-puppet show.)

SONJA

Many centuries ago I was born, far from here. In the forests above the Danube lived my people. They were fierce fighters, they defended the Empire against the Turk, many great princes fought and died to keep the land free. My father killed many Turks, so many he killed they feared his very name. Skorzeny. I was his kis hercegnő, his kleine Prinzessin. Such clothes, such jewels, you have never seen. And I had pretty servant girls to attend my desires, and others to teach me the black arts. My father, he had many appetites, he came into my bed every night, but it was small price to pay to live so much like a queen. One day, there was terrible battle, so many Turks but not only them. They had fighters as big as a boar, bigger, all with black hair and teeth like flash of lights in the sky when it is a storm. And there was him, the Spanish knight, his armour was red, so red with blood. They beat down on our warriors, they butchered them, they butchered my father and my brothers. The red knight, he took me. He made me his bride. He took me from my home, from my lands and brought me here, to this place of death. And he hurt me, the knight he did, he hurt me so much I wanted to die. But I did not die. Instead I made him pay for what he did to me and to my family. I made him pay. One night I went to his bed willingly, and I loved him so well, afterwards he slept like a dead man. I took a knife and I cut off his manhood and ate it in front of his very eyes. He screamed and screamed at me, and he bled, so much blood. He was still very strong, and he caught me and cut me on my neck very deep, and I bled too. And I cursed him and all who came after him and all who came here and I cursed them all to die as I did, as he did, as my father died. I cursed and I cursed, and I saw the life go out away from him, and I was glad, and then the blackness came to me.

(Lights shift back to almost what they were, SONJA crosses to the MARQUESA.)

SONJA

Since that time, I have felt others here, and I have seen them through their own eyes, and I have made them die.

MARQUESA

I'm out of Schnapps.

VANESSA

Fuck.

(SONJA enters. Pause.)

VANESSA

Did I slap you last night?

SONJA

Yes.

VANESSA

Thought so. You can go now.

SONJA

It is interesting, you do not dream.

VANESSA

Not when I'm fuckin' passed out. Where'd the Marquesa get to, wasn't she here?

SONJA

Yes.

VANESSA

Well?

(TOBY enters giggling, he stops.)

TOBY

(to VANESSA)

Did you break my cup-and-ball?

VANESSA

It's such a piece of shit, over there somewhere.

(to SONJA)

You know, I'm oddly attracted to you, it's weird.

SONJA

Is surprising, I am flattered.

TOBY

(collecting his ball)

Not listening, not listening —

VANESSA

Oh fuck off! Wait —

TOBY

What?

VANESSA

Have you noticed there's less of us around?

TOBY

You're just jealous, bitch, cuz you're not in any of the new scenes.

VANESSA

True. You can go.

TOBY

Like I want to stay and listen to you two lesbos gnash at each other.

(exits)

VANESSA

Such a fucker.

SONJA

Please, what is lesbo?

VANESSA

Something I'm seriously considering becoming one of. Them. Christ, I'm still drunk. Seriously? They never had you do any chick-on-chick stuff in Sweden?

SONJA

What? No, no. I must confess, the Swedish film was lie.

VANESSA

Figured. You're also not Finnish, you're Magyar.

SONJA

Yes.

VANESSA

Accent's close but it's not that.

SONJA

No. What is lesbos?

VANESSA

So I am not sure why you're here. Nothing about you makes any sense. You're no actor, I don't know where those pages came from but Jeffrey didn't write them, he can't type worth beans. They don't even read like him, they're just, generic. And you don't know what this is —

(kisses SONJA)

You're clueless. I'm not gonna worry about it, I'm gonna go find Reggie. Unless you've murdered him and hidden the body somewhere no one will find it.

(exits)

(Lights dim, SONJA remains where she is, rigid.

RICHARD enters.)

RICHARD

I don't know what you're used to, Toby, but I —

(notices SONJA)

Oh.

(Lights strobe as SONJA launches herself at RICHARD, she rips into him like a maniac, tearing him apart with her bare hands. Finally she collapses, spent. SALLY enters, screams. Blackout.

Later that night. Lights up on TOBY and SALLY somberly picnicking again, the doors are barricaded.)

SALLY

You really think she did it?

TOBY

Who else?

SALLY

I'm scared.

TOBY

Yeah.

SALLY

Are you sure this is, safe?

TOBY

(pointing)

She comes in that door, we run out that door, or vice versa. Safe as anywhere, we're also two floors up so nobody's coming in through the windows. Sorry.

SALLY

I know I'm supposed to be competent and take care of everyone and everything, but I'm losing it, I just wanna go home, I don't wanna be here anymore, I don't I don't.

TOBY

Hey, it's okay, Sally. Nobody wants to be here, I don't even want to be in this room, not after —

SALLY

I know I know, I'm just, I'm at the edge, I really am.

TOBY

You and me both, babe.

(There's a shave-and-a-haircut knock at one of the doors.)

SALLY

Oh God!

(TOBY moves furniture so VANESSA and GISELLE can enter, they carry in food and bottled water.)

TOBY

Hey, everything alright?

GISELLE

Yeah, no problems.

(giving a small round of cheese to SALLY)

Got you this —

SALLY

Thank you.

VANESSA

Here's all the water we could carry, also I found this —

(VANESSA pulls a hatchet, hands it to TOBY.)

TOBY

Nice. Better safe than sorry.

SALLY

This is so unreal, I mean what are we doing here?

VANESSA

Surviving.

TOBY

Sounds like a plan to me.

GISELLE

Yeah, me too.

SALLY

I guess.

VANESSA

What else is there to do anyway? With that madwoman running around somewhere.

GISELLE

No, no no. Sorry, sorry, it freaks me out just to think about it.

VANESSA

Sorry.

TOBY

We should make a plan for tomorrow.

SALLY

Yes, we should.

VANESSA

I vote we make a run for it.

SALLY

What about Reggie and Carl?

TOBY

And the Marchesa?

VANESSA

They're dead, I think they're all dead.

GISELLE

I think so too.

TOBY

Yeah.

SALLY

Oh God.

VANESSA

So our choices are to sit around here till that crazy bitch finds us or bolt. I say bolt.

TOBY

Yep, my choice.

SALLY

Yeah, I guess, I dunno.

GISELLE

Wait, shouldn't we —

VANESSA

For what?

TOBY

Yeah, what's to keep us from leaving?

GISELLE

I think we should, we should —

VANESSA

Hey, hey, it's alright, it's gonna be alright as long as we get away from here I think we'll be alright.

SALLY

You think.

VANESSA

Got another plan? Didn't think so.

(Spotlight hits GISELLE, she starts to shake.)

TOBY

Look, Sally, we leave and get help then we come back, right? With the cops, or the sheriff or whatever passes for Johnny Law here.

SALLY

I know I know, it makes sense, I get it, it's just —

(GISELLE grabs a knife and shrieks and attacks SALLY, stabbing her again and again. TOBY tries to grab the knife as VANESSA bashes GISELLE over the head with a brass bookend, GISELLE falls unconscious and TOBY snatches the knife away; spot out.)

VANESSA

Sally! Sally!

TOBY

(pulling VANESSA away)

She's dead, she's dead, it's no good.

VANESSA

No no no no no —

TOBY

Hey, hey, come out of it —

(slaps her)

Vanessa! Stop!

(VANESSA slumps, exhausted.)

VANESSA

Okay, it's okay, I'm okay.

TOBY

Alright?

VANESSA

Yeah, yeah.

(crawls to GISELLE and slaps her)

You bitch!

TOBY

Hey!

(GISELLE groans, TOBY pulls VANESSA out of reach.)

VANESSA

Jesus!

GISELLE

Oooh, what happened?

(spots SALLY'S body)

Omigod omigod omigod —

(GISELLE wails and sobs uncontrollably, VANESSA goes to her and cradles her.)

VANESSA

It's okay, it's alright —

GISELLE

Omigod I couldn't stop it wasn't me I couldn't I couldn't it was her it was, she was in my head she was in my head she was in my head —

VANESSA

Shhhh, shhhhh, it's okay, it's okay baby, it's gonna be okay, shhhhh now, it's alright.

(GISELLE whimpers, TOBY lays a jacket over SALLY's body.)

TOBY

I don't believe this shit.

VANESSA

It's what she does, she gets inside your thoughts, your feelings and controls you, makes you do things, she's driven to it.

TOBY

What? Driven?

VANESSA

She's not real, she is real but she's a ghost, a vampire, a something, don't ask me, I don't know how I know, she tries to get inside my head and when she does I can see into hers, a little.

TOBY

What? What?

VANESSA

She kills because she was killed, too.

TOBY

Oh no, no, no not, she better not be fuckin' pissed at daddy cuz I will end her, right here.

VANESSA

No no —

TOBY

I will kill her dead dead.

VANESSA

No, Toby, shut up, shut up. Not sympathy, just, trying to understand.

TOBY

Fine, fine, you work on understanding her, I'm taking the hatchet.

VANESSA

If we can understand her, we can somehow, we can, I dunno.

TOBY

Great.

(hunkers down a ways away from VANESSA and GISELLE)

I'm staying over here. Good.

(Lights dim to Later that night. VANESSA and GISELLE are asleep in a pile, TOBY gets up and un-barricades one of the entrances. He drags SALLY's body offstage then re-barricades the door. He settles back down and falls asleep.

Lights change to Even later that night, VANESSA and GISELLE and TOBY are all asleep.

RICO enters, moves quietly to where VANESSA and GISELLE are sleeping, peers closely at GISELLE's face, she awakens, screams.

But first: RICO SANDOVAL, the MARQUESA's gardener, young and handsome and fit cuz that's the way the MARQUESA likes, well, liked them.

VANESSA wakes up and yells and grabs a knife, TOBY wakes up and yells and grabs his hatchet and turns on the lights.)

RICO

¡Dios mío!

VANESSA

Who the fuck are you??

RICO (accented)

I'm sorry I'm sorry —

TOBY

(advancing)

Stay right there, just don't make a move, pal.

RICO

Please I thought you were dead, I thought you were all dead, like the others.

VANESSA

What?

TOBY

(to RICO)

Wait, who are you?

RICO

My name is Rico, I work here, I am Marquesa's gardener.

VANESSA

The what? The gardener?

RICO

Si.

TOBY

You're the gardener? You work here?

RICO

Si, si.

VANESSA

Fuck.

TOBY

Wait a sec —

VANESSA

Holy fuckin' shit, the gardener ferchrissakes.

TOBY

Just, just —

(to RICO)

What, why are you here, what are you doing here?

RICO

The pool, I come to clean the filters out, I have to every few days or the motor —

(makes sizzling sound)

Is no good.

VANESSA

You're kidding me, the fucking pool?

RICO

Si. She tell me No don't come, I try to tell her I must, so I am here.

TOBY

You do any acting? Eh?

VANESSA

What?

TOBY

Oh look at him, he wants to be in the movie, the piece of shit.

(to RICO)

You're a piece of shit.

(RICO lunges at TOBY, TOBY waves the hatchet at him and VANESSA pulls RICO back.)

TOBY

God damn you!

VANESSA

No! Toby, no! Lay off him, Jesus what the hell are you doing?

TOBY

(to RICO)

Piece of fucking shit, you are.

(RICO throws back a lot of pissed off Spanish at him.)

VANESSA

(to TOBY)

Hey hey, stop it!

(to RICO)

Hey, you said the others were dead, what others?

RICO

The others. I find the Marquesa downstairs, dead. And two others, two men, very bloody.

(pointing offstage)

And her.

TOBY

I had to move Sally out to the hall.

GISELLE

(to RICO)

You said, two men?

RICO

Si. Both old, both very bloody.

VANESSA

Reggie.

TOBY

Jesus fuck.

GISELLE

(to RICO)

But where's Carl, where's Carl?

RICO

¿Que?

VANESSA

(to GISELLE)

Listen, listen to me, it doesn't mean anything, okay? It doesn't mean anything one way or the other but we have to assume the worse.

TOBY

Oh yeah.

GISELLE

No no no.

VANESSA

Listen, we have to assume we're the only ones here, okay? We have to. It's just us —

(nods to RICO)

And him. And we're gonna get out of here, we are, okay? Come morning we're gonna blast outta here like —

RICO

No.

VANESSA

What?

RICO

The road is out, you cannot get through in a car, there was a slide.

TOBY

A slide? How the hell did you get through, bucko?

RICO

No no, I walked, I walked but it was many miles.

TOBY

Great, pee-chee.

GISELLE

But, we can get away from here, right? We can escape, we can, I don't care how far I have to walk, we can make it, right? Right?

VANESSA

Easy, easy child. Yes, we can make it, we can walk however far it takes, we just need to wait till morning, for it to be light.

TOBY

Yeah.

RICO

Please, why do we wait? What is here? Who killed them?

GISELLE

The Naked Queen.

(RICO crosses himself and mutters a prayer in Spanish.)

TOBY

Yeah, big surprise, he knows who she is.

RICO

She is legend , yes? A fairy tale to frighten children in the village. But —

VANESSA

Believe it, loverboy, she's real.

(GISELLE sobs uncontrollably, VANESSA holds her.)

TOBY

(to RICO)

You didn't see her when you came in?

RICO

No no, I saw no one, living.

TOBY

It's only a couple more hours till sun-up. Maybe she's done with us.

RICO

We stay here?

TOBY

Yes, dear, we stay here.

(RICO mutters more prayers in Spanish, GISELLE snuggles close to VANESSA. TOBY settles down with the hatchet, watchful. Distant thunder rumbles.

Lights change to just a bit of moonlight frosting the windows; ALL are asleep. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes — CARL, REGGIE, RICHARD, SALLY and the MARQUESA appear silhouetted in the windows writhing like DEMONS. GISELLE screams, RICO runs for the door — SONJA is there, naked, she throttles RICO and tosses him to the floor, dead. More lightning and thunder, more of the WRITHING DEMONS in the windows. SONJA turns to TOBY, he freezes, she shakes her head as if to clear her mind of a deep fog. TOBY leaps to the other door, tosses the barricade aside and exits. More lightning and thunder, SONJA faces GISELLE and VANESSA.)

SONJA (V.O.)

Come, come to me, child, come, come, come —

(GISELLE screams and attacks SONJA. SONJA grabs her by the throat and rips her open from groin to breastbone, guts spilling everywhere, drops her, dead. VANESSA retreats, trapped. SONJA crosses to her, lifts her gently, caresses her — lightning ceases, thunder subsides, the DEAD FIVE vanish from the windows.)

SONJA

When I was girl, very little girl, I had a friend. A girl like me. She understood me, she gave me much comfort. But she was in my head only, not real. Now I have her again, I think. Yes?

(VANESSA buries her face in SONJA's hair. Blackout.

Later. Moonlight falls into one half of the room, TOBY cautiously re-enters, hatchet at the ready.)

TOBY

(whispered)

Vanessa? Giselle? Vanessa?

(Lightning flashes: SONJA and VANESSA stand to one side in a naked embrace, VANESSA sucking hard at SONJA's bloody breast. Thunder crashes, TOBY screams and runs off. More lightning: SONJA slides down VANESSA's body and suckles at her breast. Thunder booms and lightning flashes, VANESSA wipes blood from her mouth, glances to where TOBY exited, pain in her eyes. Thunder booms and lightning flashes as VANESSA clings ever more tightly to SONJA.)

VANESSA (V.O.)

This can't last. Can it?